Chocolate Covered Chronicles

Picture Perfect?

2012-01-04T08:18:00.000-06:00

I am not able to write like I used to. I feel that the part of me that believed that anything is possible, the person who found endless inspiration in the beauty of the world has taken a cold hard blow to the gut. I have a lot to write about and no words. Words used to run through my fingers like water through a dam, but I guess the source is dry.

I am feeling it begin to well up from somewhere inside me, but even in those moments of inspiration I sit down to write and just end up staring at the last ten years and *feeling the last two. My heart was broken, more significantly... my naive trust was shattered. I realized for the first time that things really aren't always what they seem.

Perspective is everything. Viewing my life from the ground up is daunting. I have to continually remind myself that the only perspective that matters is the one that comes from heaven down. God is molding me into the eternally framed *picture perfect being that He intended for me to be. ~reminds me of an old Amy Grant song...All I Ever Have to Be...is what He made me. Huh, it seems a lot different now than it did all those years ago.

525,600 Minutes

2011-02-13T19:14:00.000-06:00

The last year has been the slowest year of my life. Every tick of the clock brings a different thought and a different emotion. As I look back through the last 525,600 minutes I am overwhelmed by all the changes that life has brought my way.

In a million years, I never thought that I would be a single mom...again. I never thought I would be divorced...again. Lots of things go through my mind and my heart, mostly things that don't need to be shared in the same way in which they were experienced.

I know that God has a plan for me and for my children. I know that He has not let His grip on us loosen. We are safe and sound in His care, and feeling His continued grace and faithful provision has been a beautiful reminder of His unfailing love for us.

It was a year and a half ago that my life suddenly changed and everything that I thought was true was stripped from me. I have had to relearn what I thought I knew about love, trust and honesty...the foundation of human existence and the fundamental elements of genuine relationships.

The emotion has been overwhelming and debilitating at times, but I feel that by facing my fears of inadequacy and by continuing to require myself to go through honest thought processes that challenge my own shortcomings in relationships - I have found myself at a stronger place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I look forward to the years ahead to the love that I will find and the new perspective that I will bring into my relationships. None of us deserve the grace of God ~ may we all continue to fall on Him as we stumble along this broken road...

I Am an Artist...

2009-08-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

So, here I am. At the blank page again. A familiar posture for me that seems to make a little more sense now that I can look back and see myself sitting here all these years - feeling the things that I feel that force me here, compelled to [get it out] whatever [it] is.

I am an artist. It is apparent now. I have always been one, but never realized the impact that [being] an artist had on my life. As I sit here, looking back, I realize so clearly, so beautifully, all of the bizarre twists and turns that I have taken - the forbidden doors that I have opened; it has all been part of the [being] that I am - an artist.

It is a way of life, a way of feeling - not thinking. Thinking gets in the way, it blocks out the child like approach that we must bring to the canvas. I observe the way a child loves - purely, unexpectedly venturing into life, not even realizing that there is a destination. Then she becomes aware that she is [supposed] to go somewhere. Where? When? How? It all gets muddled, foggy and adult like.

Those of us blessed [and cursed] with this ability to stand back and feel the world moving around us, knowing that we are not in control of it and actually reveling in that reality... we may seem odd to the rest of the world, but we know how lucky we are. We are the ones who create. We are the ones who inspire. We are the ones who choose to be fragile. If we didn't, who would? And then, where would we be?

My life so far may be a mess. I may not have all my ducks in a row. I may not be holding any cards. I might have spilled my milk a time or two. But I am living, I am breathing, I am playing, I am drawing, I am writing, I am painting. I am an artist and I like it - no, I love it just the way I am.

So, here I am. The page - not so blank, it is now filled with words. So, I did my job, the one I was born to do. I hope you felt something, maybe it even made you stop and ponder a thing or two. If it did - maybe you know now that it has to be this way. I have to feel this way. I have to live this way. It is better for me and it is better for you.

Questioning LOVE?

2009-02-06T20:05:00.006-06:00

Have you ever loved someone who didn't want to love you back?

Have you even been changed by a broken heart - residual change...irreversible change?

Does love fit in a box...does it need a label, a title, a good reason?

Why does loving have to be so complex? Why are we so scared?

Why can't love just be...just be...love?

What a Difference a year makes!

2009-01-30T18:43:00.004-06:00

One year ago today, The Cocoa Tree in Franklin was closed by circumstances beyond my control. I was devastated, but heard a still, small voice inside telling me to "have faith." I chose to listen, to believe, to trust the order of things...

I am in awe as I sit here today, looking around at what God has allowed. What an amazing journey! I can't wait to see what this year will bring - maybe some good, maybe some bad - who knows? All I can do is have faith and know that it will be exactly what it is supposed to be.

God is good - all the time.

"Trust Sick"

2009-01-30T10:07:00.005-06:00

You know when you are in love, but you can't let it out? - you can get “love sick”. That is because love is meant to be given, not held on to.

Trust is meant to be given – just like love. Sometimes anxiety is caused from letting your trust stay inside.

If you are feeling anxious, maybe you just need to share your trust. Maybe there is someone around you who would be glad to tend it with you.

Even if it isn't a person, the concept is the same. Trust left inside can make us "Trust Sick". Trust God. Trust the process. Trust your resources. Trust the order of things.

It isn't easy to do...trust me ;) ...the girl who has 5 kids and a small business. Trust is what helps me go to sleep at night.

Blogger through Facebook

2009-01-29T19:01:00.002-06:00

I set up a feed for this blog through facebook. I am curious to see if it works. This is just a test...

Wisdom

2009-01-20T07:09:00.001-06:00

The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." 15 Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream.

Careful Observation #3

2009-01-08T20:11:00.000-06:00

"careful" prevents fires...

Careful Observation #2

2009-01-07T07:38:00.002-06:00

"careful" shows people that you are paying attention

Careful Observation #1

2009-01-07T07:37:00.001-06:00

"careful" takes extra time, but has an extra reward

Contemplating Careful

2009-01-07T03:51:00.003-06:00

My journey for 2009 is going to be on tiptoe as I explore my world with a new understanding of what "careful" means. God has allowed me the gift of recognizing that "careful" takes a great amount of time and energy, but is a necessary and very rewarding part of life.

It is not easy for me to think that I may not have been careful in the past. I think mostly because I haven't thought of myself as "careless." I am learning that is isn't about being the opposite of careless, it is about being aware that there is another level of careful that I have not noticed before.

I am excited about the opportunity for personal growth, knowing that God will reward me for my diligent pursuit of His calling. I hope I am able to keep you posted on all the lessons, rewards and even missteps that I will encounter this coming year as I dedicate myself to Contemplating Careful.

What I [need] To Do

2009-01-03T07:57:00.003-06:00

Dividing my time between family and business is a challenge that is unlike any challenge I have had before. I love my family and believe that I really do know the treasure that they are, but at the same time, I find that I recharge my energy at work - not at home.

The result is that I [feel] the need to "get away" to The Cocoa Tree when I am with my family and that feeling is a little disturbing to me. I want to be satisfied with the company of my family. I don't want to wish away my time with them, knowing that it will go all to quickly - and already is for that matter.

So, the challenge is mental - reminding myself almost constantly that I want and [need] my time at home in order to be a complete person. Otherwise, I would be wrongly miserable with the assumption that I can only be happy doing the thing that I [want] to do.

I believe the struggle is probably a good thing. It keeps me balanced. If I didn't care, I would end up doing what I wanted all the time which is really not the thing that I need.

So I guess for now I will continue to do what I need to do in order to enjoy the things that I want to do, knowing that even when it doesn't [feel] right, it [is] what is right - for me and for my precious family.

New Website/Blog

2008-07-21T15:00:00.002-05:00

I have been working on a new website for the last couple of weeks. It has it's own blog. I think I will keep posting to this one, but for the time being - check out the new site and catch up on that blog. :)

www.bethanychocolatier.com

NYC Chocolate Show 2007

2008-07-01T15:58:00.001-05:00

I should have posted this a long time ago! This is a photo/video tribute to our success at the Chocolate Show. I hope you can tell how stressful it was and how insanely gratifying it was. :) I couldn't have been more proud, walking down that runway behind my daughter, who stole the whole show! :) God truly blessed me in allowing this opportunity for a mother and her daughter to achieve a "crazy dream" together.

The NYC 10th Annual Chocolate Show

2008-07-01T15:49:00.001-05:00

Jessie - the only designer interviewed on the runway.

The NYC 10th Annual Chocolate Show

2008-07-01T15:45:00.001-05:00

Mila on the runway.

God Knew - Didn't He

2008-05-27T21:02:00.011-05:00

When God chose to let Jesse and I raise Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan...

He knew what He was doing.

Didn't He?

He knew our strengths, our weaknesses, our talents, our issues, our future...

He knew it all,

And He chose to let Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan pass through life under our watch.

What a humbling honor.

What a relief.

God knew...

He knew the mistakes we would make,

the sins we would commit,

the courage we would wield,

the lives we would change,

the hearts we would break -

He chose to let Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan experience life through our triumphs and our mistakes.

They will be stronger, they will be wiser, they will be tested-

Somehow, they will be exactly who God created them to be.

Isn't it a relief?

God's will is done through our strengths and our weaknesses.

God knew...

Didn't He.

Hear My Prayer

2008-05-22T00:16:00.004-05:00

(for the Steven Curtis Chapman family - written when my son, Bridge, was a baby. I changed the "hims" to "hers", for their daughter, Maria Chapman, whom they unexpectedly lost this evening in a tragic accident.)

God, will you take my child?
Will you hold her to your breast?
Will you whisper blessings in her ear?
Can you hear my prayer?

God, will you heal my child?
Will you touch her fragile body?
Will you never let her walk alone?
Can you hear my prayer?

There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless and afraid
But I will give her life to you
And pray

God, will you hold my hand?
Will you walk me through this valley?
My great faith seems very small
Can you hear my prayer?

What is Worship?

2008-05-20T22:23:00.003-05:00

Okay! I will blog something! :) For all of you who just can't seem to live without me. (kidding)

I really AM trying to keep up with the blog. Lately, I have been spending so much time at home with the kids, it seems that everyday is just like the day before. Up at 7:00, breakfast, Jessie and Journey out the door to the bus stop, Bridge says something cute, Story is adorable, lunch, nap time, trip to Sonic, the bus brings the older two home, we talk and eat a snack, I force them to play together (lots of fun!), we eat dinner, watch Spongebob and go to bed.

It is really hard for me to do the same thing over and over. I have been hearing a lot from God on the subject, of course. He regards our work - when done unto Him - as worship. I can find contentment in the fact that the daily routine of tending to my family is considered worship to Him. I think of this when my day gets mundane and the chores seem endless. He is so faithful.

For this season, He has called me to my family. It has been precious. I know I am at the right place. I am thankful that He orders my life. I am so excited to get back to my chocolate, but in the mean time, I am loving the relationships with my family and my creator.

I'll get back to chocolate soon enough. . .

Making Money - through the eyes of a 5 year old.

2008-05-08T20:38:00.000-05:00

(It isn't that Journey and Jessie Lyric aren't amazing in their own right, it is just that I am with Story and Bridge ALL the time, so I catch them saying cute things more often. I guess it is about age as well.)

This morning I told Bridge to go upstairs and get dressed. He came down about 15 minutes later with his button down shirt and dress jacket on (no pants) that he wore Easter Sunday.

He came over to me, "kissed me goodbye," and said he was going to work. I, then, sat down to watch cartoons with Story. After about 45 minutes, I realized that I had not heard from him. So, I went in the kitchen to Bridge and Story's little craft area to see what he was up to.

He had scissors in his hand, a black marker on the floor, and shards of green paper everywhere. Stacked up next to him in a neat pile was 20 or so various sized rectangles that he had cut from green construction paper.

As I got closer, I saw that he had written the number five on one end, a big circle in the middle, and another number five on the other end of his green rectangles, which I now realized were "money."

I asked him what he was doing, and he looked up at me with his wide, charmed smile and said, "I'm at work making money, like dad." Then he spread out all of his money in front of me and said, "we have to go buy toys and cars now."

So, now I know what Bridge thinks his dad does at work all day, scissors and all. . . don't we wish it was really that easy to make money!!

Screaming Princess

2008-05-06T19:48:00.001-05:00

Daddy: "Story, I don't want to hear you scream like that again."

Story: "Why?"

Daddy: "Because princesses don't scream."

Story: "Oh..."

(later that day)

Story: "Mommy, daddy said that princesses don't scream."

Mommy: "Well, daddy is right."

Story: "But, but mommy, there's . . . mommy? - there's a scream in my mouth."

It's a Girl!!!

2008-05-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

We are happy to announce that our ultrasound revealed that we are having a girl (in late August).

Her name is Manhattan Faith. We feel blessed beyond words.

Please pray that the pregnancy will continue to go well. It would be nice to not have to be on bed rest for the last 6 weeks. :) (due to early contractions)

So Much to Say; Not Much I Can Say!

2008-05-06T12:07:00.003-05:00

I want you all to know that there have been some exciting developments in chocolate land for Jesse and I. I just am not at liberty to give details. That is probably why I haven't been able to blog lately. I just don't know what to say about it all!

Hopefully I will have some details that I can share very soon. I am hoping to make a big announcement by June 1st. God is in control though, so His timeline may be a little different. :)

Feel free to ask questions (as a comment to this post). I will tell you what I can.

Love you all,
Bethany

I'm Still Here

2008-04-17T22:32:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I posted. Sorry!!!

I guess I have been consumed with getting the book all wrapped up with Thomas Nelson. It has been an overwhelming, yet completely enjoyable process. I am proud and incredibly humbled with the outcome - and I can't wait for you all to have a chance to see it!

It won't be in bookstores until October. I know. Too long! I think I will get my hands on some advance copies before then - I am not sure how all that works yet. The electronic version is beautiful, but I can't wait to hold a copy in my hands. I will probably sleep with it under my pillow for a couple of nights. LOL!

Anyway, I hope I will be more consistant in my postings. I have missed writing to you all. You help me keep my head on straight! :)

Chocolate love!

Bridge-ism

2008-04-02T21:36:00.002-05:00

I decided that Bridge needs his own category on my blog. (Bridge-ism) His way of saying things is so darn cute. He doesn't have any conventional notions. It doesn't even dawn on him that he can look to those around him to learn by imitating. He is just Bridge; in his own little world.

So, today he crawls up in my lap, shivering - and he asks me, "Mom, can I borrow your warm?" So we sit there and cuddle for a minute and then he asks me, "where does your warm come from . . . Jesus?" "Do only moms and dads have warm - and they give it to their childrens?"

No, Bridge - I definitely get my warm from you!! :)

A Monster in My Head

2008-03-31T21:45:00.006-05:00

You know how a young child can catch you off guard by saying something quite profound so innocently and unintentionally that you can't help but think about it for days and days.

I was putting Bridge to bed one night last week. As usual, he was trying to talk me into letting him sleep with daddy and mommy. For the last year or so, he has had a terrible time sleeping because of bad dreams and "dong dongs" which his way of saying imaginary noises. He has come down the stairs many nights completely panicked, only able to cry in spurts because the terror has stolen his voice.

I am very sympathetic to this issue, because I remember how vivid my imagination was as a child. I often laid in bed in complete terror, heart pounding in my ears, as I waited for the impending doom to overtake me.

So, this night as I was putting him in bed, I took the time to ask Bridge why he was so scared. He look straight in my eyes with all the weight of 100 restless nights in his stare and said, "Mommy, there's a monster in my head."

As I have matured, I have learned that the power of my imagination is a great gift, even though it affected me so negatively in my childhood. I have also learned that it still affects me in some ways that I can pinpoint and in some ways that I am not even aware of yet.

I suffer from depression. I can't tell you why or where it comes from or even how it behaves. It controls me and affects my family in ways that have yet to be seen. I am grateful for zoloft, my medicine that keeps the edge off - some days I even feel "normal" almost all day. But even with meds, I still wrestle critically with myself over questions that my rational mind is able to ask, "what is wrong with you?, can't you snap out of it?, why are you so lazy?, you have everything you could possibly want, why can't you just be happy?"

For the first time in my life, because of my sons fears, I have begun to consider the possibility that the depression is a sideaffect of the imagination that I have been blessed with. My imagination calls things into being, it doesn't let me sleep, it is a never ending supply of possibilities and contradictions. It is relentless.

Bridge said it, "There is a monster in my head." That is how it feels. It is the thorn in my side. I may never shake him out this side of eternity.

Even still, I am grateful for my imagination, and as for the monster; he makes me look forward to an eternity with my savior.

Clouds

2008-03-27T08:09:00.001-05:00

This is an email that my friend Tina sent to me several years ago. I have saved it all this time. I ran across it today and it spoke to me, just like it does every time I run across it. It is too good to keep to myself . . .

God is so sweet to me. I just want to share with you how He loved on me this afternoon. After my disappointing day yesterday, I had been asking Him to please remove the clouds that seem to be covering the answers that we have been looking for. This is just the way that I picture the circumstance that we are in. A cloud.

So, in my bible study today, the entire last part is on...clouds. :) There are several verses showing places and times in the bible where God is within clouds or uses clouds to help people not hurt them. Then the following paragraph is written....

In the Bible, clouds are always connected with the Spirit of God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings in our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were no clouds, we would have no faith. The clouds are the dust of our Fathers feet (Nahum 1:3) The clouds are a sign that He is there! We must be able to look at the darkest, blackest cloud and know that is does not change God's character, who He is.

~When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.~

I am so humbled by His desire to speak to me and help me. God is so good. Thanks for letting me share and for praying with me.

Household Tip #1

2008-03-26T20:27:00.002-05:00

Buy a 3 pack of Clorox Cleanups. Put one container in each bathroom, behind the toilet. Every time you sit down to pee, grab a Cleanup and wipe the floor with it.

Saves time. Keeps germs off the bottom of little bare feet. Prevents tracking of feces throughout the house. (Hey, two potty training children - one mommy. You gotta do something!)

Take it or leave it . . .

I'm a Great Colorer

2008-03-24T21:48:00.002-05:00

So, I'm sitting on the floor with Story, coloring in her princess activity book. When I hear my brain tell myself, "you are a really great colorer." I sat there admiring my work and my *choice of color* and actually felt very proud of myself for about 3 seconds.

Then, I think to myself, how low does your self esteem have to be for you to stoop to giving yourself random complements over skills that you mastered in kindergarten! How hungry for acknowledgment do you have to be for your self to have to tell your self that you build really straight towers out of alphabet blocks.

I know you moms know what I am talking about, right?! Well, keep the pep talks going - and hey, if you ever need to hear anyone tell you what a great colorer you are - just let me know! :)

In fact, mail me your best picture. I will post my favorite right here on my blog AND hang it on my refrigerator. Yes - I'm serious! We might as well have a little fun around here!!

My address: 602 Watermark Way Franklin, TN 37064
Must be postmarked by April 2nd. (cause if I said April 1st, you would all think I was joking)

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T23:22:00.003-05:00

What a Wonderful World

2008-03-19T23:09:00.007-05:00

We were sitting at Arby's tonight, me, Jesse and the kids, when we hear What a Wonderful World play over the speakers. Of course, I had a flood of memories wash over me as my mind's eye replayed every picture of The Cocoa Tree photo montage that I created to that song - and my heart replayed every feeling. (see montage further down on blog)

Just as I start to feel a little sad, I notice Story. She is sitting in the little wooden restaurant high chair with her eyes closed, her brow furrowed and her eyebrows emoting - interpreting the music through the movement of her arms, hands and swaying head. Her arms were stretched out, up and then down, across and over . . . she was dancing in her own way, in her own world and we are all fortunate enough to be part of it.

What a wonderful world.

And I Stir

2008-03-18T21:08:00.000-05:00

My workshop is cold and empty. I am exhausted and lonely, but the chocolate needs to be stirred. My thoughts cruelly lead me down a dark hallway, strap me to a hard, wooden chair and torture me with pulses of doubt and fear. I open my eyes and shake my head to see if reality will rescue me. And I stir.

Her sweet smell casts a light into my darkness, calling me out. To my surprise I want to follow. And I stir. The thick, fluid chocolate charms my captor into letting me go, allowing a reprieve. I begin to relax as my thoughts become enveloped in the dark mixture. And I stir.

I slowly feel my senses return as I reveal my intimate thoughts to her. And I stir, and she listens, keeping my secrets safe, giving me a voice, never judging, only listening. And I stir. And I’m free.

BitterSweet

2008-03-14T22:58:00.003-05:00

I made my blog private so that I can begin to share my whole heart with friends who understand the process that I am going through. It is good and bad, happy and sad - just like chocolate - it is bittersweet.

There are other people involved in this saga. My intention is to stick to the facts. I hope you will keep anything written here between you and I, as I am only sharing my thoughts for one reason - so I don't feel like I am going through this alone.

Understand that I have a lot to work through. A lot to celebrate and a lot to grieve. I hope you will stay with me as I keep on walking down this road.

A Pile of Stuff

2008-03-14T22:47:00.005-05:00

I "got" to go pick up some of my belongings at The Cocoa Tree. The shop was completely empty; there was only a small pile of stuff in the corner. I said goodbye to the rooms, cleaned up my pile and walked away with a heavy heart.

It is hard to believe that a small pile of stuff is all that is left after 5 years of back breaking, heart wrenching work. It is hard to believe that one man was able to lock me out, close it up and sell it off to anyone who would give him cash - anyone except me. I wasn't even consulted.

I lucked into the pile of stuff. It was the landlord who called me. It had just been left, like it had no owner, in the corner of the empty building where part of my soul still resides.

It doesn't make sense, but I guess it doesn't have to.

God is always good, and even though I am sad, I know that life without Him is just a pile of stuff.

Bread Wallet

2008-03-12T08:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was sitting at lunch with Bridge and Story. They were eating hotdogs (no bun), strawberries and yogurt. I was eating leftovers from dinner.

Bridge, now 5 years old, has only been eating for a year because of all his medical issues, so he is a little behind the game. He decided that he wanted a bun for his hotdog, but he couldn't remember what to call it. He stumbled over a few words and finally came up with, "Mommy, my hotdog needs a bread wallet."

:) I love it.

A Little Taste

2008-03-11T08:39:00.002-05:00

I keep telling you guys that I will post something about the book. I am not sure if I can post an excerpt yet, but this is the original intro that I wrote for it. It doesn't look like we will be using it in the book, so I thought I'd share it with you!

Friends are the chocolate of life: rich, satisfying, deep, delicious, addicting, and at times even bittersweet. They cover our imperfections with grace, like chocolate, making us beautiful and palatable, loveable and forgivable. This book is a celebration of the friends who have walked beside me, who have taught me to love without fear and live without regret.

As you read these pages and taste the spirit of my friends, I hope that you are inspired to look into your life and remember the friendships that have covered you.

Where Do I Go From Here?

2008-03-09T21:34:00.007-05:00

This blog is going to have to switch gears a little, which is why I decided to make it private. There is a lot of change in my life right now and I am not sure where it is all going. Sometimes I think that is the best kind of place to be in, because it forces me to rely on God for every step, every breath, every thought.

In 1997 I moved to Nashville to pursue my songwriting dream. I had several major Christian publishers interested in helping me develop my talent. Nothing ever manifested - except I met my husband, Jesse! God is so funny.

But in 2002, God called me to lay down my songwriting. I was devastated. I couldn't understand why He would ask that of me. It was my life, it had been my hopes and dreams since I was 10 years old. It was a lot to give up, but I wanted to obey.

So, I laid it down. It took a year to reprogram my brain so that I wasn't always trying to think of a great hook or think about all the people that I needed to meet and things that I needed to make happen.

Eventually, I began to learn that it was all about trust. God wanted me to trust Him with my future. I had learned to trust in myself and trust in the system, not willing to put my life fully in His hands. He wanted my hope to be in Him and nothing else.

In 2003, just one year later, God called me to chocolate. I had no idea what I was doing. I was excited and passionate, but also completely dependent on God to show me the way. I didn't know the industry, I didn't know the system, the right people, I didn't even know how to make truffles!

But He did.

I willingly let go of everything that I had known and hoped for and He poured out His favor and His blessings on my efforts. I wasn't in business 3 months when I won the top rising star award, then came the national press, Newsweek Magazine, Bon Apetite, Better Homes and Gardens; after that the Veggie Tales DVD and the NYC Chocolate Show, Food Network and now a book!

The book is what really blows my mind. It is the cherry on top. Someone is paying me for my words! I gave up writing and God brought it back in an unexpected way. Isn't He just like that? He just wants us to know that He has it. He has everything we need. He is working on an eternal plan for our lives and through us, all the people that we come in contact with. Utterly amazing.

Apparently, He isn't finished with me. He has brought me right back around to a place of uncertainty. My beloved shop is closed. I don't know what is next. But I do know what He has graciously allowed me to learn - that my hope is in Him - not in a shop, not in a career, not in a book deal. I can loose it all and be just fine. The wealth that I have gained is eternal. It is a beautiful relationship with my Lord and Savior, the one who holds my future and knows my hopes and dreams.

So, where do I go from here? I am not sure, but God is. Ultimately, it will be amazing. Someday I will be in His arms for eternity. That is what this is all about.

Book Cover!!

2008-03-08T19:53:00.003-06:00

Here is the image of my book cover. I am so excited. Let me know if you like it. :)

It makes me happy when people comment on my posts. :)

The book is due in stores in early October of this year. (Barnes and Noble, Boarders, Lifeway, Target, Walmart, etc) YAY!

and YES, the truffles are mine. :)

The Cocoa Tree Photo Montage

2008-03-08T19:28:00.005-06:00

I put some of the photos from the The Cocoa Tree to music. This is from when we were on Main Street and lived above the shop. It was the time of our lives.

I hope this works on your computer. Let me know if you have trouble viewing it by leaving a comment on the post.

Enjoy!!

The Rumors are True

2008-02-22T09:06:00.002-06:00

The Cocoa Tree is closed for good. I know that it is hard to believe, but for those of us who were on the "inside" for the last year, it is actually quite a relief.

Here is the email that I sent out a couple of weeks ago, I think it says everything that I am able to say about it at the time being...

Dear friends of The Cocoa Tree,

I regret to inform you that The Cocoa Tree is no longer in business. My business partner and I are at odds and it seems that the only way to separate ourselves is to let the business die. There are some very exciting things in my future; I want to concentrate on that rather than on the past.

You have loved my product, supported the business, cheered me up, cheered me on and essentially made me into the award-winning, nationally recognized chocolatier that I am today. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

Here's to whatever the future holds! I have no doubt who holds my future...

Love to you,
Bethany

Mission Accomplished!

2008-02-18T10:44:00.002-06:00

So, I have been at the Marriott for 22 hours. It has been heavenly. I drank coffee, watched a little TV, had a friend over for a gab session, slept for 8 hours - uninterrupted, had breakfast delivered to my door and most importantly - I finished my 8 chapters!!! I am a new woman. :)

Now...back to the grind, and actually looking forward to it! Home sweet home.

This is the life...

2008-02-17T13:20:00.003-06:00

I went to my husband last night feeling like a time bomb just seconds from detonating. I have been sick for a week, taking care of sick kids, trying to keep the house straight, trying to keep the chocolate going for Valentine's Day, managing the artistic details of the photo shoot for my upcoming book, dealing with the fall out of the closing of The Cocoa Tree and not doing a very good job of any of it!

I said to him, "I don't want this to sound like I am frustrated at you, because I'm not, I'm just frustrated in general - I have 8 chapters due by Monday and I don't have the first clue how I am going to make that happen." Even though, at first, he did feel like I was coming down on his performance as a husband/father - which is one of our tough issues - we did get past that part rather quickly...probably due to the fist full of hair that I was about to pull out of my head.

Anyway, long story short - he booked me a room at the Marriott and told me to get lost. (in a nice way) So, here I am! No phone, no hungry kids, no fussing, no screaming, biting, coughing, sneezing, "mommy, mommy, mommy", no - none of that. I am sitting here in the peace and quiet with my feet propped up and a cup of coffee beside me just type, type, typing away.

Don't hate me...just be happy...someday you will get your turn! :)

Happy writing!!!!!! (thank you, Jesse - you're the best)

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T18:56:00.002-06:00

So, this will go down as one of the most memorable Valentine's Days ever. I have the flu, my husband has the flu, my children have the flu. It is miserable. We brought down 2 mattresses, put them in front of the TV and we are all hanging out in the "sick club" clubhouse. Our drinks of choice are Robitussin and Gatorade and coughing is the soundtrack of our life. This has been going on for 4 days, but it seems like 4 years.

Even though it is not fun, we are all together. My two youngest are taking turns snuggling with me, kissing me and telling me they love me "so much." Isn't that what you want to hear on Valentine's day! :) I am loved. It feels so good, even when I'm sick.

I hope you are feeling loved today...

Go Ask Your Mother!

2008-01-20T22:51:00.000-06:00

So, tonight my 11 year old daughter says to me, "Mom, do you know the F word"? I am thinking to myself, "Wow, maybe she is a little sheltered...go me!" :) Then I realize that she is fishing for some "girl talk" with her mom. So, I told her that I indeed know the F word.

She asked me when I first heard it, so I had to tell her the story. (When I said "the word" out loud she about fell out of her chair. I kinda like throwing her a curve ball every so often...keeps her guessing.) The story goes like this.

When I was in kindergarten I saw the letters F U C K written in chalk on the sidewalk outside my house. I stood there for several minutes trying to pronounce it, saying it out loud over and over...at first very slowly. FFFFF UUUU CK FFFUUUCK FFUUCK F*%K? I thought, "what a silly sounding word, what could it possibly mean"? Then, I thought what every sweet little 5 year old girl should, "I should ask my dad." So I marched into the house and walked right up to my dad and said, "Dad, what does f*%k mean"?

Well, you would have to know my very reserved father to realize just how funny this moment was. He looked at me with the best deer-in-the-headlights eyes that I have ever seen, turned around, shut his bedroom door and then through the door I heard him say, "Go ask your mother."

You would have to know my mother to know why I didn't go ask her...

Food Network Challenge

2008-01-06T20:00:00.000-06:00

Keegan Gerhard, the host of Food Network Challenge was at the NYC Chocolate Show. He was very impressed with the chocolate dress and because of that, he passed my name on to the Food Network Challenge people.

I was asked to compete on the Chocolate Landmark show and given only one day to make up my mind! Why does this happen to me!!?? I guess because I am crazy enough. :)

Within 3 weeks of saying "yes", Brandon and I were on a flight to Denver, CO to build a chocolate Statue of Liberty in 8 hours, in front of a live audience and at times 5 cameras. It was exhilarating, challenging, entertaining and most of all NERVE RACKING! (and I would do it again in a heartbeat! - in fact they have already asked if I would be willing to compete again...)

Here she is in all her glory...you have to watch to find out if we won the $10,000 prize. :) She is 100% chocolate. Can you believe it?!

A Thousand Words

2007-11-15T19:52:00.000-06:00

What Was That?!

2007-11-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

I am coming off the success of the NYC Chocolate Show. I guess I should write about what an amazing success it was and post photos (which will come soon), but I am sitting here still trying to get my head around it all.

The more I experience life, the more I realize how insane I really am. Who goes to NYC in front of the world's press and chocolate industry to try to pull off a chocolate dress with no kitchen, no reputation and no practice? I do, apparently. (Brandon has to be at least half as insane as me to go along!)

The experience of pulling it off was thrilling. To dare to dream so big, to work a plan so carefully, to carry all your eggs in one basket and watch it all come together like a jigsaw puzzle with every breath you breathe, is quite an amazing experience.

How is it that a thought can grow into a vision that can be translated to a medium and shared with the world? How is it that the world can be impacted by an artist's creation in a way that brings growth and change? How is it that I have been given the opportunity to bring a vision like this forward?

God was real and present. He was writing the story, we were eagerly turning the pages. It was beautiful to feel God move through me as I laid out the chocolate tiles in a spectacular random mosaic, art unfolding in front of my eyes. I will never be the same.

I think I am a little insane. I really do. I have given this a lot of thought. For an artist to open up that channel, to let the pleasures of the world and the beauty of humanity flow through their mind, their hand, their fingertips onto the canvas, the paper, the sidewalk, the runway, to let that happen, the power of those moments is more than a sane mind could process. It is almost too much for my crazy mind to bare.

I just hope that my insanity doesn't affect those close to me in a devastating way. I hope that they are able to see the beauty in the gift that flows through me and are able to forgive the shortcomings that reside with it.

I'm impulsive, impatient, restless, independent and unpredictable. But those are the things that allow me to live in a moment, to take it all in, to feel the music, taste the colors, trace the humanity with my fingers. Allow me that, forgive the rest. It will be beautiful, I can promise you that...

2007-11-08T22:12:00.000-06:00

This is Tina posting. I just talked to Bethany and Jesse. They are having trouble getting internet connection so I am helping out.

The night was amazing! The press is in love with Jessie Lyric and Bethany said it could not have been any better. Everyone was overwhelmed with the evening and on cloud 9! The dress was perfect and Bethany said it would take hours to recount the day’s events. It sounds as though the end result was perfect though!

The are celebrating and getting some rest before they head to CBS first thing in the morning. Don’t forget to set the tivo!

2007-11-08T05:49:00.000-06:00

Thursday Morning Update

I am at the Gershwin Hotel. We had several set backs last night with the dress. So we are up at 6AM. We are hopeful that we will have it done by 4. We are encouraged at the progress that we are making on it and it looks very cool. Let’s just hope all goes as planned. We have to be at the Metropolitan Pavilion at 4 and the dress is only half done and the headpiece…well I have not even started on it!

I will try to give you another update later in the day. Please say a prayer.

CBS early morning show is TOMORROW, FRIDAY morning so set your TIVO’s on CBS for 7-9AM

Cart Before the Horse

2007-11-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

Well, I just realized that you have no idea what I am talking about. I have been so caught up in the drama with The Cocoa Tree that I haven't had much time to stop and relish the event that is just 3 days away. (very short days)

I am good at putting the cart before the horse, in fact I think it is the only way that I know how to travel. I would switch it around if I knew how. I have lived my whole life ahead of myself.

So, that is why I told you about the CBS Early Show before I told you about the NYC Chocolate Show. And that is also why I submitted my name to the organizers of the show this year. I wanted to be included in the VIP high fashion runway event that kicks off the chocolate show every year. The only problem was, I have never made a dress out of chocolate before...

I still haven't actually - which is the scary part. I have made it over and over in my mind, but with a small business that is seeping with drama, a book to write and 4 children, there isn't much time for practice.

Not that we haven't been working on it for 3 weeks. We have created all the pieces for it and we have practiced all the techniques that we will be using, but the dress has not been assembled completely yet. The reason? We have to get it to NYC without incident. So, that is why we made the decision to assemble it when we get there.

I am so excited, and quite terrified, to be involved with this event. It is a dream come true and I can't believe I am actually going to walk down that runway with my daughter (who designed the dress) and a high fashion model who will be wearing my chocolate dress in Manhattan at the 10th annual Chocolate Show. Amazing.

Here's to the American dream!

CBS Early Show

2007-11-05T23:12:00.000-06:00

Jessie Lyric and I will be on the CBS Early Show on the morning of November 8th. That is THIS Thursday.

So, here's the story. I got an email at 2:30 today that was sent to all the chocolatiers who will be part of the runway event on Thursday night. It was asking for 2 of us to volunteer to appear on the Early Show. I had about 30 seconds to spin it around my mind, knowing that if I wait much longer, I may not get the chance back. I could hear my husband's voice in my head, "you think you can do these things. . ." as he smiles and shakes his head.

I don't know why I said yes. I guess I like swimming up stream. . .so, here's to sink or swim!!

Wish me luck. I am going to need it. :)

I'll keep you posted...

It's a Deal!

2007-07-31T22:26:00.000-05:00

I am negotiating a book deal with Thomas Nelson for a gift book called Chocolate Covered Friendship. So, I guess that means I am going to be an author. I never thought that about myself, but then chocolatier never hit the radar either! God is leading me down a path that has been so hard that I don't feel like getting out of bed most days, but so rewarding that I can't help but know that He has not forgotten me! His plans are good.

My husband is thrilled about the book, mostly because he is glad someone is finally paying me for my words! Otherwise it just seems that I have a lot to say for no apparent reason. LOL That must be a difficult thing to live with, for him.

I will try to keep up on the blog about the ins and outs of the book writing/publishing process. Hopefully it will be a fun ride! I don't typically write about how things are going, simply because it seems that things are always going so drastically around here. Nothing is really normal, ever. I guess that is just how life is going to be for me...and my family. Bless their hearts - really. I know they (my kids) probably just wish that I would remember to give them a bath a couple nights a week!

Is there something wrong with me??

Lean Hard

2007-07-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

God is so good to guide us in paths of encouragement. He lead me to bible study tonight to hear these words...

From Octavius Winslow's, "The Burden Cast Upon God."

"Child of My Love! Lean hard! Let Me feel the
pressure of your care. I know your burden, child!
I shaped it- I poised it in My own hand and made
no proportion of its weight to your unaided strength.
For even as I laid it on, I said I shall be near, and
while she leans on Me, this burden shall be Mine,
not hers. So shall I keep My child within the circling
arms of My own love. Here lay it down! Do not
fear to impose it on a shoulder which upholds the
government of worlds! Yet closer come! You are
not near enough! I would embrace your burden,
so I might feel My child reposing on My breast.
You love Me! I know it. Doubt not, then. But,
loving me, lean hard!"

God - help me lean.

Taking the Umbrella

2007-01-24T21:58:00.000-06:00

Several years ago, when Jesse and I lived on White Ct, God was gracious enough to give me a glimpse into His sovereignty.

At the time, I was struggling with the concept that prayer changes things. I was raised to believe that if you had enough faith, anything you prayed would come into being. Then in 1996, my father died of cancer despite all of our intense prayers for his healing. So, I guess personal experience has taught me that you can't "name it and claim it."

For several years after dad's death, I was very confused about how I should pray - if I should pray. I kept praying only because the bible said that I should. Still, I wondered why. I didn't understand how humans could possibly have an impact on the maker of heaven and earth. And if I did pray in faith, expecting a certain outcome, was I voiding out my faith if I bought insurance?

So, back to White Ct, I was suffering incredibly from postpartum depression at the time, and often Jesse and I would take walks in the neighborhood so I could escape the fours walls of my house.

This day, as soon as Jesse and I stepped outside for our walk, we realized that rain was eminent. I grabbed Jesse's hand and prayed that God would be gracious enough to hold off the rain for 30 minutes and I kept walking. I opened the back of our truck, to get the stroller out, thinking surely God will keep the rain away, surely He knew how much I needed this walk. Then, as I was reaching for the stroller, I saw something out of the corner of my eye - an umbrella.

What should I do? Should I take the umbrella with me and possibly disappoint God with my lack of faith, potentially voiding my prayer? Or do I leave it in hopes that God will reward my faith and hold off the rain. My head didn't know the answer, but my spirit did. On a sudden impulse I reached in and grabbed that umbrella and shoved it in the bottom of the stroller. That is when God spoke through my words as I found myself saying to Jesse, "I prayed for the rain to stay away", and then pointing to the umbrella I said, "But God is sovereign."

So now, when I pray in faith for a certain outcome, I think of those words, I think about that walk - that ended up being dry all the way - and I remember the umbrella, a gentle reminder that God does want me to pray in faith, but He also wants me to acknowledge His sovereignty.

So now, I carry an umbrella not because of a lack of faith, but because I want to praise His sovereignty that covers me.

January 21st, 2007

2007-01-21T23:25:00.001-06:00

My dear Brendan passed away today. I can hardly breathe.

Twelve years ago, he saved me - he heard me, he loved me and I loved him. It was the kind of love that you only read about. It was messy, it was careless, it was beautiful. It changed who I was into who I am today. I think we both knew that we couldn't be together forever. The last day I saw him - 8 years ago - I somehow knew in my spirit that I would never see him again, and I wept from the deepest place within me. The place that only weeps once, for that is all your heart can take in a lifetime. Just once.

I can't believe I will never see his face again, or feel his laugh or hear his voice. I thank God for the time that we shared. I know that somehow, it was all part of God's eternal purpose for my life and for his.

His death wasn't a shock - he has been fighting cancer for almost a year. He asked me to come out and see him one last time, I just couldn't go. But, this morning, he said goodbye to me in the sweetest way. I picked up the book, "The Giving Tree", to read it to Journey and when I opened the book I saw that Brendan had written a note inside the cover 10 years ago. I had forgotten about it. As I read the book, I felt that he was with me, telling me goodbye. I paused to take note of what day it was, January 21st, somehow I knew that it was Brendan's last day on earth. I can't explain how.

Then, tonight I received an email from Brendan's friend. He let me know that Brendan passed away today.

I am so thankful that God let him say goodbye. It is comforting to know that God knows how much I loved him and how much I needed that moment.

Grocery Store Balloons

2007-01-16T21:45:00.000-06:00

I was unloading kids and groceries from the car when I heard Bridge and Journey giggling and pointing to the sky. I looked up and saw that their balloons (that the nice old man in the check out line gave them) were floating over the house going up, up and away. We all stood there for a moment watching the pretty colors against the beautiful blue sky and then Journey said...

"It's like happy birthday to God!" We looked at each other and smiled.

Life is good. :)

Kix In the Nose

2007-01-11T16:01:00.000-06:00

So, we all have the flu, the last thing we wanted to have to do today was hold down a kicking and screaming Bridge and use a bulb syringe to suck out the Kix cereal that he had shoved in his right nostril at breakfast.

Only Bridge...

I got the GOAT?

2007-01-10T03:28:00.000-06:00

Every once in a while I still find my thoughts walking back to The Cocoa Tree on Main Street. I guess I will always be affected by those memories. Tonight, I kept hearing that question over and over - that question that so many people have asked, "do you think moving to Main Street was a mistake?" I haven't had an answer until now.

I have been coming to this conclusion for quite some time, but haven't wanted to share it because I didn't want it to seem that I am prideful or that I haven't learned valuable life lessons through all that happened. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

All that said to say this. I don't believe that judging that decision based on whether it was or is "right" or "wrong" is helpful or necessary. It wasn't a moral choice. It was a choice regarding a direction in life.

I don't believe that God would put a critical decision in my path, not knowing what the outcome will be. I don't believe that He is sitting up in heaven going, "man, I sure hope she gets this one right...there is a lot hanging on this." You know? I don't believe that God is like Monty Hall on Let's Make a Deal (remember that old game show?) standing there showing me two curtains, and I'm supposed to hope the odds are on my side when I choose curtain number one. I can see myself choosing curtain number 2 and when the curtain opens, there is a goat standing there, a goat...but had I chosen curtain number 1, I would have lived a prosperous life full of health and wealth. Darn that choice!! I have to live the rest of my life with a goat!

In Proverbs, it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." HE will make your paths straight. All we have to do is trust and acknowledge. HE will make my paths straight. When Jesse and I made the choice to move to Main Street we did it before the Lord. We prayed, we sought Him, we listened to those around us - I think that we did the "right" thing in that regard.

Is a decision "wrong" if it doesn't work out the way that the world would approve of? Since we had to leave a year later, does that mean the decision was not "right?" I don't think so. We are better as children of God and as business owners because of everything we went through, which was essentially a crash course in intimacy with the Lord and on the basics of small business ownership.

I am grateful for the experience. I don't wish the choice away. I am glad to know that God wasn't expecting anything different to happen. We ARE living His plan A for our life. He brought us to that decision on Main Street with all of our life experiences, all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses, knowing what decision we would make. He makes our paths straight.

I trust in Him. I will not be afraid to make decisions knowing that God already has it covered. Thank goodness!

After all, I am just a sheep - He is the shepherd.

Bridge is Eating!!!!!

2007-01-09T18:08:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, our son Bridge was chronically ill as a baby and because of the illness he has not been willing/able to eat. We have been feeding him through a feeding port (Mic-key button) in his tummy for the last 3 years.

I am PLEASED to report that he began shoving food into his mouth a couple of days before Christmas and he hasn't stopped since! On New Year's day he ate a whole waffle from Waffle House (butter, syrup and all), a piece of pizza, 2 jars of meat baby food (gross!) and a hot dog!!!

Dr. White, his pediatrician, said we could lay off the tube feedings. We can take the Mic-key button out if he goes a year without a relapse.

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved we are. We have been trusting God with this ordeal for 3 years. God has been so faithful to guide us and comfort us. He has been as close as a whisper and as loud as thunder. He is so good.

I am glad we finally reached the end of this long road - but I am also glad that it was part of the journey.

ChocolateBoom!

2006-10-26T23:55:00.000-05:00

Check it out...

www.chocolateboom.com

It is the intro to my *soon to be* video podcast about life and chocolate. :)

Please post your thought and comments!!

Schermerhorn

2006-10-07T08:26:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about today. It is the open house for Schermerhorn, the new symphony hall in Nashville. Jesse and I are taking the kids to tour the building and hear some amazing music. Yay!

Zanies' Cheeseburger

2006-10-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, Jesse and I went to Zanies Comedy Club tonight. I ordered the cheeseburger. What a joke!!

John Pinette was/is HILARIOUS. I haven't laughed harder - ever. "That's not food!"

I'm Back!!!

2006-10-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I have been silent for quite some time. I needed time to settle into our new life. I wasn't kidding when I told you that things were going to change around here. I just read back through my last couple of posts and can't believe how much progress we have made as a family since June. God is good.

The schedule is going well. I am actually enjoying it. I can't believe it!! We have set some pretty major boundaries on how much we allow the stresses of The Cocoa Tree to encroach on our home life. It is making a big difference in the way we live, the decisions we make and the amount of harmony that we feel on the homestead. :)

I have realized of late that life is SO much about the "little things." I am a visionary, so it is easy for me to cast my focus way beyond what is right in front of me. A little too easy. It is kind of like a fix for an addiction - ignore the present because it is a constant reminder of how things can so easily go wrong when I don't concentrate on the "little things." I am thankful for the lesson learned. God is good.

So, we are eating almost every meal around the table, learning good manners, doing chores, keeping the car cleaned out...mundane, I know, but fruitful - to say the least. I am planting little seeds in my children right now that will reap a big harvest someday. I am not naturally a planter - again, the visionary thing - but I am learning. Planting good manners, for instance. It seems so insignificant. But it is teaching such larger life lessons about respect and personal responsibility.

All of that to say, I am going to be posting on a more regular basis now. Finally! I have really missed blogging...it is so theraputic for me. Thank you for listening. (reading) :)

Story is ONE, Journey is FIVE

2006-07-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

Where does the time go? Story turned one on July 7th. Journey turned 5 on July 4th.

We are so blessed to be part of their little lives. God is good!!

God's Timing is Perfect

2006-06-27T14:25:00.000-05:00

Someone sent this to me today. It is from Jesus Calling. It couldn't be more appropriate. . .

June 27th

Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.

The Practice of Sacrifice

2006-06-27T01:09:00.000-05:00

I have noticed lately that I have 4 children. Four children. Hmmm, when did that happen?

I have also noticed that, unfortunately, I am not much of a routine person. Unfortunate for me because children seem to thrive on routine. Here is where that "mother" word gets ugly. ;)

So, I am home all day with the children now. (my amazing employees can run the shop without me...what a concept!!) I decided last week that our lives need to start acting differently. I need to make our home a non roller-coaster zone. We have moved from one stress to the other for the last 3 years and it has taken a toll on our family. It isn't that I haven't noticed it before, it is that I have just realized that The Cocoa Tree isn't going to get any easier. It is time for me to figure out how to balance the high stress small business "thing" with the low key small family "thing".

All that to say, I am seeing the need in my children to have a (oh, so hard to say this word) schedule. Whew, there I said it. (Hello, my name is Bethany and I am an. . .a. . .free spirit)

So, after a week of "schedule" I stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the thought of myself running as fast as I could away from this place. WHY? I LOVE my children. I love providing for them, playing with them, reading to them. What is wrong with me? What makes me want to run away? (The reality is that I would get to the end of my subdivision and see my children's faces flash through my mind; then I would turn around and run home.)

I want to be in two places at the same time - home loving on my children and at The Cocoa Tree pouring my heart into the business. I feel the most like myself when I am at TCT. But home is taking all my energy and emotional resources. My children need me at home while they are young. I can't put my wants ahead of their needs. A tough choice to make right now, but one I won't regret.

I learned the meaning of sacrifice when I became a mother. I have been learning the practice of sacrifice ever since. Relentless when looking forward, but breathtaking when looking back. Someday I will have a chance to look back. For now, I will enjoy what is right in front of me.

Franklin Cinema With A Twist

2006-06-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

I took the kids - all four - to the free movie at Franklin Cinema this morning. What a wonderful thing. Story, my 11 month old baby girl, actually watched part of the movie. She laughed at a scene in the cartoon where a fly lands on Daffy Duck's bill and walks up to Daffy's eyes which makes Daffy go cross-eyed, then Daffy blinks which causes the fly to fall to the ground. She laughed and laughed. It is amazing how something as simple as a giggling baby daughter can fill up all the empty places.

Jesse and I received an interesting email today from our financial partners. I can't talk about it until it has been finalized. I'll just say it is a dramatic twist. I wish I could see into the future to see how it is going to play out.

Stay tuned...

Hero

2006-06-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

This morning I rescued a baby bird from our kiddie pool with a baseball mitt and a shovel - and a very angry mommy bird circling above my head. All four of my kids were cheering me on from behind the screen door. It was beautiful. It isn't every day that you get to save wildlife in front of an adoring, captive audience. I was a hero. It felt good.

The "Perfect Will" Carrot

2006-06-11T23:24:00.000-05:00

I suffer from the disease of melancholy. One of the unfortunate side effects is over analyzation. Of course, I have to run this current turn of events through the over-analyis-melancholy-mill. I thought I would share the outcome.

If there is anything I excel at it is self doubt. I can know I am right and as soon as you tell me different I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and start crying tears of repentence.

It is interesting to me that as I over analyize this that I keep coming back to the "where did we go wrong" question. I guess it is natural to think that if something this wacked out happens, you must have missed a really big flashing neon sign somewhere along the way. So, in my thoughts, in my nightmares I am searching through the corridors trying to find that sign. Not that I can go back and change directions, but at least I can hang a bigger flashing neon sign next to it so that I can never let myself and anyone who comes after me forget the fact that I missed it. Maybe it feels a little bit like repentence.

Is it neccesary to put myself through the torture? I wonder. Of course Jesse and I made mistakes. I don't think we ever thought that we could start a booming business without making any mistakes - and what if that was the plan, to make no mistakes? Is that really how God wants us to live? If so, why grace? Why Jesus?

Did he make me human to torture me with a sick little game? Dangling a "perfect will" carrot in front of my face. I hope not! I hope He made me human knowing I would make mistakes and realize my absolute dependency on Him. He didn't create us to be perfect. My imperfection doesn't even surprise Him. I have to believe this is true. If not, the philosophy of The Cocoa Tree is just a clever marketing scheme.

God wants a relationship. He is the lover of our soul who gives us chocolates to delight us, even in our imperfection. He gives us chocolate even knowing that we may over indulge in it. He has a perfect plan that He is working in our lives and somehow the mistakes that we make are part of the beautiful story that He is telling.

I have to believe that Main Street is part of that story. I have to believe that He called us out of that building to fulfill His purpose. We can't know what the reason is right now, but we can choose to trust Him. I won't deny the faith that He has so lovingly built in me by questioning these current events. I will hope in the Lord and trust in His plan, and I will pray for the grace to continue to do so.

Conspicuous Consumption

2006-06-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

I start to wonder why we keep putting ourselves through all of this and then we get things from our customers like this. It makes it all worth it...

The first image is a scrapbook page that was inspired by The Cocoa Tree. The next two are women enjoying our chocolate covered bananas at Main Street Festival. The look on their faces is priceless!!

Just Shoot Me, Please

2006-06-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

Okay. I am sitting here this morning with the aftermath of last night lingering in my emotions (our garage is filled with all the mold infested items that we have to sort through and figure out how to clean) and I make a decision that I need to let my brain rest from the events of The Cocoa Tree and just focus on my family for the next several days. After all, all the drama is behind us, right?? - OH BUT WAIT. The phone rings and Always-An-Emergency-Juanita is on the other end of the phone informing me that the electricity had just been shut off at the new building.

You would think that with all we have lived through, I would be able to take something silly like "no electricity" pretty well...but that isn't what happened. I just about lost my mind. I had braced myself for Satan himself pulling me by the hair through poisonous slime in that other building. Anything could have happened and I would have been pretty OK, but last night after we closed and locked that door for the last time I felt like I had finally reached the finish line - you know - after the 26 mile marathon (RACH you totally rock my world!!) You know how you get to a point where you finally feel like you can exhale, not afraid to let yourself feel again and then like a freight train - BAM one more thing sneaks through under the crack. All of a sudden I couldn't take one more thing. The line had been crossed, that was it - NO MORE STRESS!!

Sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore...will someone please just put me out of my misery! Okay, well - I guess I would miss my kids too much, so don't do that. maybe just talk me out of the tree. . .The Cocoa Tree, that is. ;)

Sibling Rivalry

2006-06-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

So, Bridge (3-year-old) picks up the toy gun. (yes, we are guilty of propagating core NRA beliefs through our children) Anyway, he pointed the gun at me and pulled the trigger. I warned him in a very stern tone that he should only point guns at bad guys, not good guys. A look of revelation passed over his face, he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and turned and pointed it at his 4-year-old brother!

Taylor Crush

2006-06-07T23:04:00.000-05:00

Taylor Hicks at Walmart

Crazy about Taylor. Crazy, crazy!!!

Leaving the Loft

2006-06-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had to spend a couple of hours in the loft sorting through toys, books, clothing, etc. I couldn't be up there for very long, no one can - it is wretched. I kept picturing myself punching our landlord in the nose. I wish she had to stand there and watch us leave behind precious things because we simply couldn't be up there long enough to pack it all up.

So, we are taking what we can to a storage unit until we can figure out how to clean it up. The matresses, couches, rugs, and large furniture had to stay. We can only take stuff that can be cleaned with bleach.

God is good. He is taking care of us. I am emotionally drained and physically ill from being up there. I was wearing a gas mask, but it didn't seem to help much.

I wish I could be a little more upbeat. I just can't right now. Please pray for us.

A new day for Bridge

2006-06-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

Most of you know me well enough to understand the significance of this photo. It is amazing to see Bridge eat! This marks the beginning of a new era. He has been swallowing all kinds of things including mandarin oranges, cheese, bacon, crackers and yogurt. Praise the Lord!!! We actually may be able to remove the feeding port by his 5th birthday. :) I am so thankful.

Madly

2006-06-04T23:31:00.000-05:00

So totally, completely, madly, deeply, obsessively, uncontrollably in love...

142 2nd Ave. North

2006-06-02T23:22:00.000-05:00

We opened for business tonight at the interim location on 142 2nd Ave. N. We had almost every menu item available. We were encouraged by the number of people who sought us out at the new location. People really love what we do. It feels good to know that.

Brock and Anni stopped by. They are REGULAR customers. Brock loves chocolate more than any girl I know. Their visit was perfect timing. It was so good to have our old Cocoa Friends in the new location. . .feels like home.

We really enjoyed working in a facility that is well equiped. It was refreshing to say the least. I think it is a little taste of things to come.

Goodbye Main Street

2006-06-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

343 Main St. is empty tonight, except for a few things scattered here and there. The reality of it hasn't hit me yet. I went in today so I could begin to let myself get my head around the fact that we won't be in that building anymore. It isn't possible. It is like looking at the NYC skyline and seeing the Twin Towers still standing.

I actually haven't even let myself "go there" emotionally. I am afraid I would cry for days, and then I would have days of work to catch up on - crying is over rated anyway.

Love, laughter and conspicuous consumption isn't just our catch phrase under our logo, it is what living in that building was about. We loved. We laughed. We consumed life conspicuously. We cried. We yelled. We sang. We prayed. We relished our time with each other. We experiencied God's grace and provision in such tremendous ways.

That building kicked my butt everyday, but I fought back with all I had. We all did. In the end the building won. We loved it and it didn't love us back. That's life. We'll move on, but we will never forget the time there, we will never forget the experience and most certainly we will never forget being the family who loved living above a little chocolate shop on Main St. called The Cocoa Tree.

Favorite Things

2005-08-25T21:23:00.000-05:00

The past 2 weeks have been really rough. I have struggled with depression since my senior year of high school. It is always harder to deal with right after I have a baby.

So here are some happy thoughts. A list of my favorite things:
Jesse's lips
Story's eyes
Bridge's laugh
Journey's hugs
Jessie's dimples
Chocolate at 3:00 in the afternoon
White daisies
The tableclothes at The Cocoa Tree
Tina's voice
Pink little dresses
Newborn diapers
A new notebook
Clean sheets
Girl Scout Thin Mints
Peacock Hill
My husband playing guitar
Watching my children dance
The smell of verbena
Thunderstorms
Bubble baths
Snowdrifts
Target
Christmas Eve
Wheatfields
October
Chopsticks
Sunflowers

So much to say, so little time

2005-08-18T23:27:00.000-05:00

I guess I have to admit that I am a perfectionist. I don't ever post because I am waiting for the perfect time or the perfect subject or the perfect place to start. I don't know where to start. I have so much to say and so little time. :)

I think the point of blogging is that it is kind of a random thoughts, daily journal thing. So, maybe I should start with today. You think!!

I live in a loft above my chocolate shop in historic downtown Franklin. My four children are all in bed and I am sitting at the window looking out onto Main St. I wonder how I got here. I used to be down there on the sidewalk looking up into this window thinking about what it would be like to live here. I thought I knew. I wasn't close.

I thought I would be a different person. I thought fairytales were magical. It is funny how other people see the magic, but I don't. Sometimes I catch a glimmer. I walked by the truffle case yesterday as a stranger stood there ordering several truffles. As he rattled off the names of the truffles, the names that I gave them in what seems like another lifetime, I saw a glimmer. It filled me up.

I wonder - is it impossible to see in when you are on the inside looking out?

Just Breathe

2005-08-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

You'll never guess who came into our shop tonight. . .what a silly little game for a blog - anyway - Faith Hill brought her girls in for fondue. Jesse and I weren't here. Oh well. I would have probably embarrased myself.

Jesse took me to Renee's house tonight to soak in her whirpool bathtub. Heaven! We don't have a bathtub in the loft, so it was a real treat to take a bath. Someday I will have a bathtub.

First for everything

2005-08-02T00:43:00.000-05:00

I am going to try this blog thing. I have been hearing about it for a couple of years and I keep thinking that it sounds like something I should do. After all, I am a cool and interesting person. Someone should want to read about my facinating life. Right? Well, at least I might feel better thinking that someone might actually be interested. :)

Business is good. Starting a business is more work than I ever dreamed was possible. There isn't enough time in the day. You just have to keep putting out the hottest fires and hope that someday you won't need the hose anymore.

Marriage is hard. Jesse and I are going to make it for sure...we love our family and we love each other, but life is hard and there just isn't enough love to make it all better. We are broken and it really hurts sometimes. Like when I have knocked myself out all day with 4 children, 4 employees, a production schedule and breastfeeding and my husband comes in - bless his heart. . .really - and tells me that he is disappointed in the condition of the house. I am thinking, "are you kidding me?" I handed him the baby and took a drive to cool off.

Chocolate is medicine. I stir my worries away in a bowl of melted chocolate. I lick it off my finger and remember how good life is.