Picture Perfect?

I am not able to write like I used to.  I feel that the part of me that believed that anything is possible, the person who found endless inspiration in the beauty of the world has taken a cold hard blow to the gut.  I have a lot to write about and no words.  Words used to run through my fingers like water through a dam, but I guess the source is dry.

I am feeling it begin to well up from somewhere inside me, but even in those moments of inspiration I sit down to write and just end up staring at the last ten years and *feeling the last two.  My heart was broken, more significantly... my naive trust was shattered.  I realized for the first time that things really aren't always what they seem.

Perspective is everything.  Viewing my life from the ground up is daunting.  I have to continually remind myself that the only perspective that matters is the one that comes from heaven down.  God is molding me into the eternally framed *picture perfect being that He intended for me to be.  ~reminds me of an old Amy Grant song...All I Ever Have to Be...is what He made me.  Huh, it seems a lot different now than it did all those years ago.

525,600 Minutes

The last year has been the slowest year of my life. Every tick of the clock brings a different thought and a different emotion. As I look back through the last 525,600 minutes I am overwhelmed by all the changes that life has brought my way.

In a million years, I never thought that I would be a single mom...again. I never thought I would be divorced...again. Lots of things go through my mind and my heart, mostly things that don't need to be shared in the same way in which they were experienced.

I know that God has a plan for me and for my children. I know that He has not let His grip on us loosen. We are safe and sound in His care, and feeling His continued grace and faithful provision has been a beautiful reminder of His unfailing love for us.

It was a year and a half ago that my life suddenly changed and everything that I thought was true was stripped from me. I have had to relearn what I thought I knew about love, trust and honesty...the foundation of human existence and the fundamental elements of genuine relationships.

The emotion has been overwhelming and debilitating at times, but I feel that by facing my fears of inadequacy and by continuing to require myself to go through honest thought processes that challenge my own shortcomings in relationships - I have found myself at a stronger place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I look forward to the years ahead to the love that I will find and the new perspective that I will bring into my relationships. None of us deserve the grace of God ~ may we all continue to fall on Him as we stumble along this broken road...

I Am an Artist...

So, here I am. At the blank page again. A familiar posture for me that seems to make a little more sense now that I can look back and see myself sitting here all these years - feeling the things that I feel that force me here, compelled to [get it out] whatever [it] is.

I am an artist. It is apparent now. I have always been one, but never realized the impact that [being] an artist had on my life. As I sit here, looking back, I realize so clearly, so beautifully, all of the bizarre twists and turns that I have taken - the forbidden doors that I have opened; it has all been part of the [being] that I am - an artist.

It is a way of life, a way of feeling - not thinking. Thinking gets in the way, it blocks out the child like approach that we must bring to the canvas. I observe the way a child loves - purely, unexpectedly venturing into life, not even realizing that there is a destination. Then she becomes aware that she is [supposed] to go somewhere. Where? When? How? It all gets muddled, foggy and adult like.

Those of us blessed [and cursed] with this ability to stand back and feel the world moving around us, knowing that we are not in control of it and actually reveling in that reality... we may seem odd to the rest of the world, but we know how lucky we are. We are the ones who create. We are the ones who inspire. We are the ones who choose to be fragile. If we didn't, who would? And then, where would we be?

My life so far may be a mess. I may not have all my ducks in a row. I may not be holding any cards. I might have spilled my milk a time or two. But I am living, I am breathing, I am playing, I am drawing, I am writing, I am painting. I am an artist and I like it - no, I love it just the way I am.

So, here I am. The page - not so blank, it is now filled with words. So, I did my job, the one I was born to do. I hope you felt something, maybe it even made you stop and ponder a thing or two. If it did - maybe you know now that it has to be this way. I have to feel this way. I have to live this way. It is better for me and it is better for you.

Questioning LOVE?

Have you ever loved someone who didn't want to love you back?

Have you even been changed by a broken heart - residual change...irreversible change?

Does love fit in a box...does it need a label, a title, a good reason?

Why does loving have to be so complex? Why are we so scared?

Why can't love just be...just be...love?

What a Difference a year makes!

One year ago today, The Cocoa Tree in Franklin was closed by circumstances beyond my control. I was devastated, but heard a still, small voice inside telling me to "have faith." I chose to listen, to believe, to trust the order of things...

I am in awe as I sit here today, looking around at what God has allowed. What an amazing journey! I can't wait to see what this year will bring - maybe some good, maybe some bad - who knows? All I can do is have faith and know that it will be exactly what it is supposed to be.

God is good - all the time.

"Trust Sick"

You know when you are in love, but you can't let it out? - you can get “love sick”. That is because love is meant to be given, not held on to.

Trust is meant to be given – just like love. Sometimes anxiety is caused from letting your trust stay inside.

If you are feeling anxious, maybe you just need to share your trust. Maybe there is someone around you who would be glad to tend it with you.

Even if it isn't a person, the concept is the same. Trust left inside can make us "Trust Sick". Trust God. Trust the process. Trust your resources. Trust the order of things.

It isn't easy to do...trust me ;) ...the girl who has 5 kids and a small business. Trust is what helps me go to sleep at night.

Blogger through Facebook

I set up a feed for this blog through facebook. I am curious to see if it works. This is just a test...

Wisdom

The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." 15 Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream.

Careful Observation #3

"careful" prevents fires...

Careful Observation #2

"careful" shows people that you are paying attention

Careful Observation #1

"careful" takes extra time, but has an extra reward

Contemplating Careful

My journey for 2009 is going to be on tiptoe as I explore my world with a new understanding of what "careful" means. God has allowed me the gift of recognizing that "careful" takes a great amount of time and energy, but is a necessary and very rewarding part of life.

It is not easy for me to think that I may not have been careful in the past. I think mostly because I haven't thought of myself as "careless." I am learning that is isn't about being the opposite of careless, it is about being aware that there is another level of careful that I have not noticed before.

I am excited about the opportunity for personal growth, knowing that God will reward me for my diligent pursuit of His calling. I hope I am able to keep you posted on all the lessons, rewards and even missteps that I will encounter this coming year as I dedicate myself to Contemplating Careful.

What I [need] To Do

Dividing my time between family and business is a challenge that is unlike any challenge I have had before. I love my family and believe that I really do know the treasure that they are, but at the same time, I find that I recharge my energy at work - not at home.

The result is that I [feel] the need to "get away" to The Cocoa Tree when I am with my family and that feeling is a little disturbing to me. I want to be satisfied with the company of my family. I don't want to wish away my time with them, knowing that it will go all to quickly - and already is for that matter.

So, the challenge is mental - reminding myself almost constantly that I want and [need] my time at home in order to be a complete person. Otherwise, I would be wrongly miserable with the assumption that I can only be happy doing the thing that I [want] to do.

I believe the struggle is probably a good thing. It keeps me balanced. If I didn't care, I would end up doing what I wanted all the time which is really not the thing that I need.

So I guess for now I will continue to do what I need to do in order to enjoy the things that I want to do, knowing that even when it doesn't [feel] right, it [is] what is right - for me and for my precious family.

New Website/Blog

I have been working on a new website for the last couple of weeks.  It has it's own blog.  I think I will keep posting to this one, but for the time being - check out the new site and catch up on that blog.  :)

www.bethanychocolatier.com

NYC Chocolate Show 2007

I should have posted this a long time ago! This is a photo/video tribute to our success at the Chocolate Show. I hope you can tell how stressful it was and how insanely gratifying it was. :) I couldn't have been more proud, walking down that runway behind my daughter, who stole the whole show! :) God truly blessed me in allowing this opportunity for a mother and her daughter to achieve a "crazy dream" together.

The NYC 10th Annual Chocolate Show

Jessie - the only designer interviewed on the runway.

The NYC 10th Annual Chocolate Show

Mila on the runway.

God Knew - Didn't He

When God chose to let Jesse and I raise Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan...

He knew what He was doing.

Didn't He?

He knew our strengths, our weaknesses, our talents, our issues, our future...

He knew it all,

And He chose to let Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan pass through life under our watch.

What a humbling honor.

What a relief.

God knew...

He knew the mistakes we would make,

the sins we would commit,

the courage we would wield,

the lives we would change,

the hearts we would break -

He chose to let Jessie Lyric, Journey, Bridge, Story and baby Manhattan experience life through our triumphs and our mistakes.

They will be stronger, they will be wiser, they will be tested-

Somehow, they will be exactly who God created them to be.

Isn't it a relief?

God's will is done through our strengths and our weaknesses.

God knew...

Didn't He.

Hear My Prayer

(for the Steven Curtis Chapman family - written when my son, Bridge, was a baby. I changed the "hims" to "hers", for their daughter, Maria Chapman, whom they unexpectedly lost this evening in a tragic accident.)

God, will you take my child?
Will you hold her to your breast?
Will you whisper blessings in her ear?
Can you hear my prayer?

God, will you heal my child?
Will you touch her fragile body?
Will you never let her walk alone?
Can you hear my prayer?

There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless and afraid
But I will give her life to you
And pray

God, will you hold my hand?
Will you walk me through this valley?
My great faith seems very small
Can you hear my prayer?

What is Worship?

Okay! I will blog something! :) For all of you who just can't seem to live without me. (kidding)

I really AM trying to keep up with the blog. Lately, I have been spending so much time at home with the kids, it seems that everyday is just like the day before. Up at 7:00, breakfast, Jessie and Journey out the door to the bus stop, Bridge says something cute, Story is adorable, lunch, nap time, trip to Sonic, the bus brings the older two home, we talk and eat a snack, I force them to play together (lots of fun!), we eat dinner, watch Spongebob and go to bed.

It is really hard for me to do the same thing over and over. I have been hearing a lot from God on the subject, of course. He regards our work - when done unto Him - as worship. I can find contentment in the fact that the daily routine of tending to my family is considered worship to Him. I think of this when my day gets mundane and the chores seem endless. He is so faithful.

For this season, He has called me to my family. It has been precious. I know I am at the right place. I am thankful that He orders my life. I am so excited to get back to my chocolate, but in the mean time, I am loving the relationships with my family and my creator.

I'll get back to chocolate soon enough. . .