Taking the Umbrella

Several years ago, when Jesse and I lived on White Ct, God was gracious enough to give me a glimpse into His sovereignty.

At the time, I was struggling with the concept that prayer changes things. I was raised to believe that if you had enough faith, anything you prayed would come into being. Then in 1996, my father died of cancer despite all of our intense prayers for his healing. So, I guess personal experience has taught me that you can't "name it and claim it."

For several years after dad's death, I was very confused about how I should pray - if I should pray. I kept praying only because the bible said that I should. Still, I wondered why. I didn't understand how humans could possibly have an impact on the maker of heaven and earth. And if I did pray in faith, expecting a certain outcome, was I voiding out my faith if I bought insurance?

So, back to White Ct, I was suffering incredibly from postpartum depression at the time, and often Jesse and I would take walks in the neighborhood so I could escape the fours walls of my house.

This day, as soon as Jesse and I stepped outside for our walk, we realized that rain was eminent. I grabbed Jesse's hand and prayed that God would be gracious enough to hold off the rain for 30 minutes and I kept walking. I opened the back of our truck, to get the stroller out, thinking surely God will keep the rain away, surely He knew how much I needed this walk. Then, as I was reaching for the stroller, I saw something out of the corner of my eye - an umbrella.

What should I do? Should I take the umbrella with me and possibly disappoint God with my lack of faith, potentially voiding my prayer? Or do I leave it in hopes that God will reward my faith and hold off the rain. My head didn't know the answer, but my spirit did. On a sudden impulse I reached in and grabbed that umbrella and shoved it in the bottom of the stroller. That is when God spoke through my words as I found myself saying to Jesse, "I prayed for the rain to stay away", and then pointing to the umbrella I said, "But God is sovereign."

So now, when I pray in faith for a certain outcome, I think of those words, I think about that walk - that ended up being dry all the way - and I remember the umbrella, a gentle reminder that God does want me to pray in faith, but He also wants me to acknowledge His sovereignty.

So now, I carry an umbrella not because of a lack of faith, but because I want to praise His sovereignty that covers me.

January 21st, 2007

My dear Brendan passed away today. I can hardly breathe.

Twelve years ago, he saved me - he heard me, he loved me and I loved him. It was the kind of love that you only read about. It was messy, it was careless, it was beautiful. It changed who I was into who I am today. I think we both knew that we couldn't be together forever. The last day I saw him - 8 years ago - I somehow knew in my spirit that I would never see him again, and I wept from the deepest place within me. The place that only weeps once, for that is all your heart can take in a lifetime. Just once.

I can't believe I will never see his face again, or feel his laugh or hear his voice. I thank God for the time that we shared. I know that somehow, it was all part of God's eternal purpose for my life and for his.

His death wasn't a shock - he has been fighting cancer for almost a year. He asked me to come out and see him one last time, I just couldn't go. But, this morning, he said goodbye to me in the sweetest way. I picked up the book, "The Giving Tree", to read it to Journey and when I opened the book I saw that Brendan had written a note inside the cover 10 years ago. I had forgotten about it. As I read the book, I felt that he was with me, telling me goodbye. I paused to take note of what day it was, January 21st, somehow I knew that it was Brendan's last day on earth. I can't explain how.

Then, tonight I received an email from Brendan's friend. He let me know that Brendan passed away today.

I am so thankful that God let him say goodbye. It is comforting to know that God knows how much I loved him and how much I needed that moment.

Grocery Store Balloons

I was unloading kids and groceries from the car when I heard Bridge and Journey giggling and pointing to the sky. I looked up and saw that their balloons (that the nice old man in the check out line gave them) were floating over the house going up, up and away. We all stood there for a moment watching the pretty colors against the beautiful blue sky and then Journey said...

"It's like happy birthday to God!" We looked at each other and smiled.


Life is good. :)

Kix In the Nose

So, we all have the flu, the last thing we wanted to have to do today was hold down a kicking and screaming Bridge and use a bulb syringe to suck out the Kix cereal that he had shoved in his right nostril at breakfast.

Only Bridge...

I got the GOAT?

Every once in a while I still find my thoughts walking back to The Cocoa Tree on Main Street. I guess I will always be affected by those memories. Tonight, I kept hearing that question over and over - that question that so many people have asked, "do you think moving to Main Street was a mistake?" I haven't had an answer until now.

I have been coming to this conclusion for quite some time, but haven't wanted to share it because I didn't want it to seem that I am prideful or that I haven't learned valuable life lessons through all that happened. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

All that said to say this. I don't believe that judging that decision based on whether it was or is "right" or "wrong" is helpful or necessary. It wasn't a moral choice. It was a choice regarding a direction in life.

I don't believe that God would put a critical decision in my path, not knowing what the outcome will be. I don't believe that He is sitting up in heaven going, "man, I sure hope she gets this one right...there is a lot hanging on this." You know? I don't believe that God is like Monty Hall on Let's Make a Deal (remember that old game show?) standing there showing me two curtains, and I'm supposed to hope the odds are on my side when I choose curtain number one. I can see myself choosing curtain number 2 and when the curtain opens, there is a goat standing there, a goat...but had I chosen curtain number 1, I would have lived a prosperous life full of health and wealth. Darn that choice!! I have to live the rest of my life with a goat!

In Proverbs, it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." HE will make your paths straight. All we have to do is trust and acknowledge. HE will make my paths straight. When Jesse and I made the choice to move to Main Street we did it before the Lord. We prayed, we sought Him, we listened to those around us - I think that we did the "right" thing in that regard.

Is a decision "wrong" if it doesn't work out the way that the world would approve of? Since we had to leave a year later, does that mean the decision was not "right?" I don't think so. We are better as children of God and as business owners because of everything we went through, which was essentially a crash course in intimacy with the Lord and on the basics of small business ownership.

I am grateful for the experience. I don't wish the choice away. I am glad to know that God wasn't expecting anything different to happen. We ARE living His plan A for our life. He brought us to that decision on Main Street with all of our life experiences, all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses, knowing what decision we would make. He makes our paths straight.

I trust in Him. I will not be afraid to make decisions knowing that God already has it covered. Thank goodness!

After all, I am just a sheep - He is the shepherd.

Bridge is Eating!!!!!

As many of you know, our son Bridge was chronically ill as a baby and because of the illness he has not been willing/able to eat. We have been feeding him through a feeding port (Mic-key button) in his tummy for the last 3 years.

I am PLEASED to report that he began shoving food into his mouth a couple of days before Christmas and he hasn't stopped since! On New Year's day he ate a whole waffle from Waffle House (butter, syrup and all), a piece of pizza, 2 jars of meat baby food (gross!) and a hot dog!!!

Dr. White, his pediatrician, said we could lay off the tube feedings. We can take the Mic-key button out if he goes a year without a relapse.

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved we are. We have been trusting God with this ordeal for 3 years. God has been so faithful to guide us and comfort us. He has been as close as a whisper and as loud as thunder. He is so good.

I am glad we finally reached the end of this long road - but I am also glad that it was part of the journey.