A Monster in My Head

You know how a young child can catch you off guard by saying something quite profound so innocently and unintentionally that you can't help but think about it for days and days.

I was putting Bridge to bed one night last week. As usual, he was trying to talk me into letting him sleep with daddy and mommy. For the last year or so, he has had a terrible time sleeping because of bad dreams and "dong dongs" which his way of saying imaginary noises. He has come down the stairs many nights completely panicked, only able to cry in spurts because the terror has stolen his voice.

I am very sympathetic to this issue, because I remember how vivid my imagination was as a child. I often laid in bed in complete terror, heart pounding in my ears, as I waited for the impending doom to overtake me.

So, this night as I was putting him in bed, I took the time to ask Bridge why he was so scared. He look straight in my eyes with all the weight of 100 restless nights in his stare and said, "Mommy, there's a monster in my head."

As I have matured, I have learned that the power of my imagination is a great gift, even though it affected me so negatively in my childhood. I have also learned that it still affects me in some ways that I can pinpoint and in some ways that I am not even aware of yet.

I suffer from depression. I can't tell you why or where it comes from or even how it behaves. It controls me and affects my family in ways that have yet to be seen. I am grateful for zoloft, my medicine that keeps the edge off - some days I even feel "normal" almost all day. But even with meds, I still wrestle critically with myself over questions that my rational mind is able to ask, "what is wrong with you?, can't you snap out of it?, why are you so lazy?, you have everything you could possibly want, why can't you just be happy?"

For the first time in my life, because of my sons fears, I have begun to consider the possibility that the depression is a sideaffect of the imagination that I have been blessed with. My imagination calls things into being, it doesn't let me sleep, it is a never ending supply of possibilities and contradictions. It is relentless.

Bridge said it, "There is a monster in my head." That is how it feels. It is the thorn in my side. I may never shake him out this side of eternity.

Even still, I am grateful for my imagination, and as for the monster; he makes me look forward to an eternity with my savior.

Clouds

This is an email that my friend Tina sent to me several years ago. I have saved it all this time. I ran across it today and it spoke to me, just like it does every time I run across it. It is too good to keep to myself . . .

God is so sweet to me. I just want to share with you how He loved on me this afternoon. After my disappointing day yesterday, I had been asking Him to please remove the clouds that seem to be covering the answers that we have been looking for. This is just the way that I picture the circumstance that we are in. A cloud.

So, in my bible study today, the entire last part is on...clouds. :) There are several verses showing places and times in the bible where God is within clouds or uses clouds to help people not hurt them. Then the following paragraph is written....

In the Bible, clouds are always connected with the Spirit of God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings in our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were no clouds, we would have no faith. The clouds are the dust of our Fathers feet (Nahum 1:3) The clouds are a sign that He is there! We must be able to look at the darkest, blackest cloud and know that is does not change God's character, who He is.

~When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.~

I am so humbled by His desire to speak to me and help me. God is so good. Thanks for letting me share and for praying with me.

Household Tip #1

Buy a 3 pack of Clorox Cleanups. Put one container in each bathroom, behind the toilet. Every time you sit down to pee, grab a Cleanup and wipe the floor with it.

Saves time. Keeps germs off the bottom of little bare feet. Prevents tracking of feces throughout the house. (Hey, two potty training children - one mommy. You gotta do something!)

Take it or leave it . . .

I'm a Great Colorer

So, I'm sitting on the floor with Story, coloring in her princess activity book. When I hear my brain tell myself, "you are a really great colorer." I sat there admiring my work and my *choice of color* and actually felt very proud of myself for about 3 seconds.

Then, I think to myself, how low does your self esteem have to be for you to stoop to giving yourself random complements over skills that you mastered in kindergarten! How hungry for acknowledgment do you have to be for your self to have to tell your self that you build really straight towers out of alphabet blocks.

I know you moms know what I am talking about, right?! Well, keep the pep talks going - and hey, if you ever need to hear anyone tell you what a great colorer you are - just let me know! :)

In fact, mail me your best picture. I will post my favorite right here on my blog AND hang it on my refrigerator. Yes - I'm serious! We might as well have a little fun around here!!

My address: 602 Watermark Way Franklin, TN 37064
Must be postmarked by April 2nd. (cause if I said April 1st, you would all think I was joking)

Happy Easter!

What a Wonderful World

We were sitting at Arby's tonight, me, Jesse and the kids, when we hear What a Wonderful World play over the speakers. Of course, I had a flood of memories wash over me as my mind's eye replayed every picture of The Cocoa Tree photo montage that I created to that song - and my heart replayed every feeling. (see montage further down on blog)

Just as I start to feel a little sad, I notice Story. She is sitting in the little wooden restaurant high chair with her eyes closed, her brow furrowed and her eyebrows emoting - interpreting the music through the movement of her arms, hands and swaying head. Her arms were stretched out, up and then down, across and over . . . she was dancing in her own way, in her own world and we are all fortunate enough to be part of it.

What a wonderful world.

And I Stir

My workshop is cold and empty. I am exhausted and lonely, but the chocolate needs to be stirred. My thoughts cruelly lead me down a dark hallway, strap me to a hard, wooden chair and torture me with pulses of doubt and fear. I open my eyes and shake my head to see if reality will rescue me. And I stir.

Her sweet smell casts a light into my darkness, calling me out. To my surprise I want to follow. And I stir. The thick, fluid chocolate charms my captor into letting me go, allowing a reprieve. I begin to relax as my thoughts become enveloped in the dark mixture. And I stir.

I slowly feel my senses return as I reveal my intimate thoughts to her. And I stir, and she listens, keeping my secrets safe, giving me a voice, never judging, only listening. And I stir. And I’m free.

BitterSweet

I made my blog private so that I can begin to share my whole heart with friends who understand the process that I am going through. It is good and bad, happy and sad - just like chocolate - it is bittersweet.

There are other people involved in this saga. My intention is to stick to the facts. I hope you will keep anything written here between you and I, as I am only sharing my thoughts for one reason - so I don't feel like I am going through this alone.

Understand that I have a lot to work through. A lot to celebrate and a lot to grieve. I hope you will stay with me as I keep on walking down this road.

A Pile of Stuff

I "got" to go pick up some of my belongings at The Cocoa Tree. The shop was completely empty; there was only a small pile of stuff in the corner. I said goodbye to the rooms, cleaned up my pile and walked away with a heavy heart.

It is hard to believe that a small pile of stuff is all that is left after 5 years of back breaking, heart wrenching work. It is hard to believe that one man was able to lock me out, close it up and sell it off to anyone who would give him cash - anyone except me. I wasn't even consulted.

I lucked into the pile of stuff. It was the landlord who called me. It had just been left, like it had no owner, in the corner of the empty building where part of my soul still resides.

It doesn't make sense, but I guess it doesn't have to.

God is always good, and even though I am sad, I know that life without Him is just a pile of stuff.

Bread Wallet

Yesterday I was sitting at lunch with Bridge and Story. They were eating hotdogs (no bun), strawberries and yogurt. I was eating leftovers from dinner.

Bridge, now 5 years old, has only been eating for a year because of all his medical issues, so he is a little behind the game. He decided that he wanted a bun for his hotdog, but he couldn't remember what to call it. He stumbled over a few words and finally came up with, "Mommy, my hotdog needs a bread wallet."

:) I love it.

A Little Taste

I keep telling you guys that I will post something about the book. I am not sure if I can post an excerpt yet, but this is the original intro that I wrote for it. It doesn't look like we will be using it in the book, so I thought I'd share it with you!

Friends are the chocolate of life: rich, satisfying, deep, delicious, addicting, and at times even bittersweet. They cover our imperfections with grace, like chocolate, making us beautiful and palatable, loveable and forgivable. This book is a celebration of the friends who have walked beside me, who have taught me to love without fear and live without regret.

As you read these pages and taste the spirit of my friends, I hope that you are inspired to look into your life and remember the friendships that have covered you.

Where Do I Go From Here?

This blog is going to have to switch gears a little, which is why I decided to make it private. There is a lot of change in my life right now and I am not sure where it is all going. Sometimes I think that is the best kind of place to be in, because it forces me to rely on God for every step, every breath, every thought.

In 1997 I moved to Nashville to pursue my songwriting dream. I had several major Christian publishers interested in helping me develop my talent. Nothing ever manifested - except I met my husband, Jesse! God is so funny.

But in 2002, God called me to lay down my songwriting. I was devastated. I couldn't understand why He would ask that of me. It was my life, it had been my hopes and dreams since I was 10 years old. It was a lot to give up, but I wanted to obey.

So, I laid it down. It took a year to reprogram my brain so that I wasn't always trying to think of a great hook or think about all the people that I needed to meet and things that I needed to make happen.

Eventually, I began to learn that it was all about trust. God wanted me to trust Him with my future. I had learned to trust in myself and trust in the system, not willing to put my life fully in His hands. He wanted my hope to be in Him and nothing else.

In 2003, just one year later, God called me to chocolate. I had no idea what I was doing. I was excited and passionate, but also completely dependent on God to show me the way. I didn't know the industry, I didn't know the system, the right people, I didn't even know how to make truffles!

But He did.

I willingly let go of everything that I had known and hoped for and He poured out His favor and His blessings on my efforts. I wasn't in business 3 months when I won the top rising star award, then came the national press, Newsweek Magazine, Bon Apetite, Better Homes and Gardens; after that the Veggie Tales DVD and the NYC Chocolate Show, Food Network and now a book!

The book is what really blows my mind. It is the cherry on top. Someone is paying me for my words! I gave up writing and God brought it back in an unexpected way. Isn't He just like that? He just wants us to know that He has it. He has everything we need. He is working on an eternal plan for our lives and through us, all the people that we come in contact with. Utterly amazing.

Apparently, He isn't finished with me. He has brought me right back around to a place of uncertainty. My beloved shop is closed. I don't know what is next. But I do know what He has graciously allowed me to learn - that my hope is in Him - not in a shop, not in a career, not in a book deal. I can loose it all and be just fine. The wealth that I have gained is eternal. It is a beautiful relationship with my Lord and Savior, the one who holds my future and knows my hopes and dreams.

So, where do I go from here? I am not sure, but God is. Ultimately, it will be amazing. Someday I will be in His arms for eternity. That is what this is all about.

Book Cover!!

Here is the image of my book cover. I am so excited. Let me know if you like it. :)

It makes me happy when people comment on my posts. :)

The book is due in stores in early October of this year. (Barnes and Noble, Boarders, Lifeway, Target, Walmart, etc) YAY!

and YES, the truffles are mine. :)

The Cocoa Tree Photo Montage

I put some of the photos from the The Cocoa Tree to music. This is from when we were on Main Street and lived above the shop. It was the time of our lives.

I hope this works on your computer. Let me know if you have trouble viewing it by leaving a comment on the post.

Enjoy!!