January 21st, 2007

My dear Brendan passed away today. I can hardly breathe.

Twelve years ago, he saved me - he heard me, he loved me and I loved him. It was the kind of love that you only read about. It was messy, it was careless, it was beautiful. It changed who I was into who I am today. I think we both knew that we couldn't be together forever. The last day I saw him - 8 years ago - I somehow knew in my spirit that I would never see him again, and I wept from the deepest place within me. The place that only weeps once, for that is all your heart can take in a lifetime. Just once.

I can't believe I will never see his face again, or feel his laugh or hear his voice. I thank God for the time that we shared. I know that somehow, it was all part of God's eternal purpose for my life and for his.

His death wasn't a shock - he has been fighting cancer for almost a year. He asked me to come out and see him one last time, I just couldn't go. But, this morning, he said goodbye to me in the sweetest way. I picked up the book, "The Giving Tree", to read it to Journey and when I opened the book I saw that Brendan had written a note inside the cover 10 years ago. I had forgotten about it. As I read the book, I felt that he was with me, telling me goodbye. I paused to take note of what day it was, January 21st, somehow I knew that it was Brendan's last day on earth. I can't explain how.

Then, tonight I received an email from Brendan's friend. He let me know that Brendan passed away today.

I am so thankful that God let him say goodbye. It is comforting to know that God knows how much I loved him and how much I needed that moment.