I suffer from the disease of melancholy. One of the unfortunate side effects is over analyzation. Of course, I have to run this current turn of events through the over-analyis-melancholy-mill. I thought I would share the outcome.
If there is anything I excel at it is self doubt. I can know I am right and as soon as you tell me different I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and start crying tears of repentence.
It is interesting to me that as I over analyize this that I keep coming back to the "where did we go wrong" question. I guess it is natural to think that if something this wacked out happens, you must have missed a really big flashing neon sign somewhere along the way. So, in my thoughts, in my nightmares I am searching through the corridors trying to find that sign. Not that I can go back and change directions, but at least I can hang a bigger flashing neon sign next to it so that I can never let myself and anyone who comes after me forget the fact that I missed it. Maybe it feels a little bit like repentence.
Is it neccesary to put myself through the torture? I wonder. Of course Jesse and I made mistakes. I don't think we ever thought that we could start a booming business without making any mistakes - and what if that was the plan, to make no mistakes? Is that really how God wants us to live? If so, why grace? Why Jesus?
Did he make me human to torture me with a sick little game? Dangling a "perfect will" carrot in front of my face. I hope not! I hope He made me human knowing I would make mistakes and realize my absolute dependency on Him. He didn't create us to be perfect. My imperfection doesn't even surprise Him. I have to believe this is true. If not, the philosophy of The Cocoa Tree is just a clever marketing scheme.
God wants a relationship. He is the lover of our soul who gives us chocolates to delight us, even in our imperfection. He gives us chocolate even knowing that we may over indulge in it. He has a perfect plan that He is working in our lives and somehow the mistakes that we make are part of the beautiful story that He is telling.
I have to believe that Main Street is part of that story. I have to believe that He called us out of that building to fulfill His purpose. We can't know what the reason is right now, but we can choose to trust Him. I won't deny the faith that He has so lovingly built in me by questioning these current events. I will hope in the Lord and trust in His plan, and I will pray for the grace to continue to do so.
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Bethany,
I'm so glad you sent me the link to this blog.
Dear One, how I hear what you are saying; how I feel it.
You know, there is definitely a move of God on Main Street and beyond. We worship at Grace Center, and every time we're downtown (which is frequent, especially during the warm months), we see someone from church. These are spirit-filled lovers of Jesus, and they seem to be everywhere.
I do believe that the Lord gives us the passions that burn within us, and then He delights as we live them, both to His glory and to our own deep joy and satisfaction.
And oh, how difficult it is sometimes, many times, to KNOW...to really KNOW...what it is He is requiring of us; which path we are to follow; which decision to make.
I see my own husband struggling with this as he continues to seek direction and ultimate purpose for his/our business, and for his ultimate destiny. As a writer, I question the "dead ends" I have hit on my quest. And the question, "Why, Lord?" slips so easily from my mouth.
You and Jesse have something VERY SPECIAL in The Cocoa Tree. Mistakes notwithstanding, your hearts to walk in the passions that our loving Lord has Himself planted in you WILL bear fruit. And the difficulties along the way will serve to prune you.
Pruning stinks.
Please let me know how Eric and I can pray for you guys. We have become, in our hearts, so much a part of downtown Franklin. It's hard to explain, really. McCreary's is a second home. Enjoue is my favorite boutique (I love the poop out of Sharon). Ben and Jerry's is a frequent stop. And The Cocoa Tree? My favorite of all. I was distressed when I heard that you had moved out of that building. Now that I understand that you are seeking to follow the will of Christ every step of the way, I am encouraged, and I believe that, YES, He will direct your feet and bless the work of your hands!
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