I have noticed lately that I have 4 children. Four children. Hmmm, when did that happen?
I have also noticed that, unfortunately, I am not much of a routine person. Unfortunate for me because children seem to thrive on routine. Here is where that "mother" word gets ugly. ;)
So, I am home all day with the children now. (my amazing employees can run the shop without me...what a concept!!) I decided last week that our lives need to start acting differently. I need to make our home a non roller-coaster zone. We have moved from one stress to the other for the last 3 years and it has taken a toll on our family. It isn't that I haven't noticed it before, it is that I have just realized that The Cocoa Tree isn't going to get any easier. It is time for me to figure out how to balance the high stress small business "thing" with the low key small family "thing".
All that to say, I am seeing the need in my children to have a (oh, so hard to say this word) schedule. Whew, there I said it. (Hello, my name is Bethany and I am an. . .a. . .free spirit)
So, after a week of "schedule" I stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the thought of myself running as fast as I could away from this place. WHY? I LOVE my children. I love providing for them, playing with them, reading to them. What is wrong with me? What makes me want to run away? (The reality is that I would get to the end of my subdivision and see my children's faces flash through my mind; then I would turn around and run home.)
I want to be in two places at the same time - home loving on my children and at The Cocoa Tree pouring my heart into the business. I feel the most like myself when I am at TCT. But home is taking all my energy and emotional resources. My children need me at home while they are young. I can't put my wants ahead of their needs. A tough choice to make right now, but one I won't regret.
I learned the meaning of sacrifice when I became a mother. I have been learning the practice of sacrifice ever since. Relentless when looking forward, but breathtaking when looking back. Someday I will have a chance to look back. For now, I will enjoy what is right in front of me.
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Oh, Dear Heart,
I feel your pain, I hear your whimper of, "Please, just a little freedom. Just some..SPACE."
The early years are so draining, so all-encompassing. From wiping faces to wiping bottoms to wiping the seventeenth spill from the kitchen floor -- we are, at the end of the day, truly WIPED.
You are a passionate, free spirit, and so this is even harder on you.
I know.
Hear me on one thing. Don't look forward to looking back. My youngest is seven now, and I am experiencing the "freedom" I sacrificed for many years. Yet I see a baby and my womb aches. I see a toddler and my arms ache to hold one of mine at that size and age.
Just for five minutes.
I love the stage of life I'm in right now (even if it means...gasp...growing OLDER). I love being able to pop down to McCreary's with my hubby and not having to worry about a babysitter. I love being able to spend my afternoon on my latest novel without having any tiny children to worry about. Heck, I love to have INTELLIGENT conversations with my children!
But.....oh. Everyone told me those early years would fly. And they really did. Oh, they flew.
Ask the Lord to REFRESH you so that you can derive a greater measure of joy from this mothering thing. He will be faithful to this very real, very BIG need.
I promise. :)
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