Taking the Umbrella

Several years ago, when Jesse and I lived on White Ct, God was gracious enough to give me a glimpse into His sovereignty.

At the time, I was struggling with the concept that prayer changes things. I was raised to believe that if you had enough faith, anything you prayed would come into being. Then in 1996, my father died of cancer despite all of our intense prayers for his healing. So, I guess personal experience has taught me that you can't "name it and claim it."

For several years after dad's death, I was very confused about how I should pray - if I should pray. I kept praying only because the bible said that I should. Still, I wondered why. I didn't understand how humans could possibly have an impact on the maker of heaven and earth. And if I did pray in faith, expecting a certain outcome, was I voiding out my faith if I bought insurance?

So, back to White Ct, I was suffering incredibly from postpartum depression at the time, and often Jesse and I would take walks in the neighborhood so I could escape the fours walls of my house.

This day, as soon as Jesse and I stepped outside for our walk, we realized that rain was eminent. I grabbed Jesse's hand and prayed that God would be gracious enough to hold off the rain for 30 minutes and I kept walking. I opened the back of our truck, to get the stroller out, thinking surely God will keep the rain away, surely He knew how much I needed this walk. Then, as I was reaching for the stroller, I saw something out of the corner of my eye - an umbrella.

What should I do? Should I take the umbrella with me and possibly disappoint God with my lack of faith, potentially voiding my prayer? Or do I leave it in hopes that God will reward my faith and hold off the rain. My head didn't know the answer, but my spirit did. On a sudden impulse I reached in and grabbed that umbrella and shoved it in the bottom of the stroller. That is when God spoke through my words as I found myself saying to Jesse, "I prayed for the rain to stay away", and then pointing to the umbrella I said, "But God is sovereign."

So now, when I pray in faith for a certain outcome, I think of those words, I think about that walk - that ended up being dry all the way - and I remember the umbrella, a gentle reminder that God does want me to pray in faith, but He also wants me to acknowledge His sovereignty.

So now, I carry an umbrella not because of a lack of faith, but because I want to praise His sovereignty that covers me.

January 21st, 2007

My dear Brendan passed away today. I can hardly breathe.

Twelve years ago, he saved me - he heard me, he loved me and I loved him. It was the kind of love that you only read about. It was messy, it was careless, it was beautiful. It changed who I was into who I am today. I think we both knew that we couldn't be together forever. The last day I saw him - 8 years ago - I somehow knew in my spirit that I would never see him again, and I wept from the deepest place within me. The place that only weeps once, for that is all your heart can take in a lifetime. Just once.

I can't believe I will never see his face again, or feel his laugh or hear his voice. I thank God for the time that we shared. I know that somehow, it was all part of God's eternal purpose for my life and for his.

His death wasn't a shock - he has been fighting cancer for almost a year. He asked me to come out and see him one last time, I just couldn't go. But, this morning, he said goodbye to me in the sweetest way. I picked up the book, "The Giving Tree", to read it to Journey and when I opened the book I saw that Brendan had written a note inside the cover 10 years ago. I had forgotten about it. As I read the book, I felt that he was with me, telling me goodbye. I paused to take note of what day it was, January 21st, somehow I knew that it was Brendan's last day on earth. I can't explain how.

Then, tonight I received an email from Brendan's friend. He let me know that Brendan passed away today.

I am so thankful that God let him say goodbye. It is comforting to know that God knows how much I loved him and how much I needed that moment.

Grocery Store Balloons

I was unloading kids and groceries from the car when I heard Bridge and Journey giggling and pointing to the sky. I looked up and saw that their balloons (that the nice old man in the check out line gave them) were floating over the house going up, up and away. We all stood there for a moment watching the pretty colors against the beautiful blue sky and then Journey said...

"It's like happy birthday to God!" We looked at each other and smiled.


Life is good. :)

Kix In the Nose

So, we all have the flu, the last thing we wanted to have to do today was hold down a kicking and screaming Bridge and use a bulb syringe to suck out the Kix cereal that he had shoved in his right nostril at breakfast.

Only Bridge...

I got the GOAT?

Every once in a while I still find my thoughts walking back to The Cocoa Tree on Main Street. I guess I will always be affected by those memories. Tonight, I kept hearing that question over and over - that question that so many people have asked, "do you think moving to Main Street was a mistake?" I haven't had an answer until now.

I have been coming to this conclusion for quite some time, but haven't wanted to share it because I didn't want it to seem that I am prideful or that I haven't learned valuable life lessons through all that happened. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

All that said to say this. I don't believe that judging that decision based on whether it was or is "right" or "wrong" is helpful or necessary. It wasn't a moral choice. It was a choice regarding a direction in life.

I don't believe that God would put a critical decision in my path, not knowing what the outcome will be. I don't believe that He is sitting up in heaven going, "man, I sure hope she gets this one right...there is a lot hanging on this." You know? I don't believe that God is like Monty Hall on Let's Make a Deal (remember that old game show?) standing there showing me two curtains, and I'm supposed to hope the odds are on my side when I choose curtain number one. I can see myself choosing curtain number 2 and when the curtain opens, there is a goat standing there, a goat...but had I chosen curtain number 1, I would have lived a prosperous life full of health and wealth. Darn that choice!! I have to live the rest of my life with a goat!

In Proverbs, it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." HE will make your paths straight. All we have to do is trust and acknowledge. HE will make my paths straight. When Jesse and I made the choice to move to Main Street we did it before the Lord. We prayed, we sought Him, we listened to those around us - I think that we did the "right" thing in that regard.

Is a decision "wrong" if it doesn't work out the way that the world would approve of? Since we had to leave a year later, does that mean the decision was not "right?" I don't think so. We are better as children of God and as business owners because of everything we went through, which was essentially a crash course in intimacy with the Lord and on the basics of small business ownership.

I am grateful for the experience. I don't wish the choice away. I am glad to know that God wasn't expecting anything different to happen. We ARE living His plan A for our life. He brought us to that decision on Main Street with all of our life experiences, all of our strengths and all of our weaknesses, knowing what decision we would make. He makes our paths straight.

I trust in Him. I will not be afraid to make decisions knowing that God already has it covered. Thank goodness!

After all, I am just a sheep - He is the shepherd.

Bridge is Eating!!!!!

As many of you know, our son Bridge was chronically ill as a baby and because of the illness he has not been willing/able to eat. We have been feeding him through a feeding port (Mic-key button) in his tummy for the last 3 years.

I am PLEASED to report that he began shoving food into his mouth a couple of days before Christmas and he hasn't stopped since! On New Year's day he ate a whole waffle from Waffle House (butter, syrup and all), a piece of pizza, 2 jars of meat baby food (gross!) and a hot dog!!!

Dr. White, his pediatrician, said we could lay off the tube feedings. We can take the Mic-key button out if he goes a year without a relapse.

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved we are. We have been trusting God with this ordeal for 3 years. God has been so faithful to guide us and comfort us. He has been as close as a whisper and as loud as thunder. He is so good.

I am glad we finally reached the end of this long road - but I am also glad that it was part of the journey.

ChocolateBoom!

Check it out...

www.chocolateboom.com

It is the intro to my *soon to be* video podcast about life and chocolate. :)

Please post your thought and comments!!

Schermerhorn

I am so excited about today. It is the open house for Schermerhorn, the new symphony hall in Nashville. Jesse and I are taking the kids to tour the building and hear some amazing music. Yay!

Zanies' Cheeseburger

So, Jesse and I went to Zanies Comedy Club tonight. I ordered the cheeseburger. What a joke!!

John Pinette was/is HILARIOUS. I haven't laughed harder - ever. "That's not food!"

I'm Back!!!

Okay, I know I have been silent for quite some time. I needed time to settle into our new life. I wasn't kidding when I told you that things were going to change around here. I just read back through my last couple of posts and can't believe how much progress we have made as a family since June. God is good.

The schedule is going well. I am actually enjoying it. I can't believe it!! We have set some pretty major boundaries on how much we allow the stresses of The Cocoa Tree to encroach on our home life. It is making a big difference in the way we live, the decisions we make and the amount of harmony that we feel on the homestead. :)

I have realized of late that life is SO much about the "little things." I am a visionary, so it is easy for me to cast my focus way beyond what is right in front of me. A little too easy. It is kind of like a fix for an addiction - ignore the present because it is a constant reminder of how things can so easily go wrong when I don't concentrate on the "little things." I am thankful for the lesson learned. God is good.

So, we are eating almost every meal around the table, learning good manners, doing chores, keeping the car cleaned out...mundane, I know, but fruitful - to say the least. I am planting little seeds in my children right now that will reap a big harvest someday. I am not naturally a planter - again, the visionary thing - but I am learning. Planting good manners, for instance. It seems so insignificant. But it is teaching such larger life lessons about respect and personal responsibility.

All of that to say, I am going to be posting on a more regular basis now. Finally! I have really missed blogging...it is so theraputic for me. Thank you for listening. (reading) :)

Story is ONE, Journey is FIVE

Where does the time go? Story turned one on July 7th. Journey turned 5 on July 4th.

We are so blessed to be part of their little lives. God is good!!

God's Timing is Perfect

Someone sent this to me today. It is from Jesus Calling. It couldn't be more appropriate. . .

June 27th

Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.

The Practice of Sacrifice

I have noticed lately that I have 4 children. Four children. Hmmm, when did that happen?

I have also noticed that, unfortunately, I am not much of a routine person. Unfortunate for me because children seem to thrive on routine. Here is where that "mother" word gets ugly. ;)

So, I am home all day with the children now. (my amazing employees can run the shop without me...what a concept!!) I decided last week that our lives need to start acting differently. I need to make our home a non roller-coaster zone. We have moved from one stress to the other for the last 3 years and it has taken a toll on our family. It isn't that I haven't noticed it before, it is that I have just realized that The Cocoa Tree isn't going to get any easier. It is time for me to figure out how to balance the high stress small business "thing" with the low key small family "thing".

All that to say, I am seeing the need in my children to have a (oh, so hard to say this word) schedule. Whew, there I said it. (Hello, my name is Bethany and I am an. . .a. . .free spirit)

So, after a week of "schedule" I stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the thought of myself running as fast as I could away from this place. WHY? I LOVE my children. I love providing for them, playing with them, reading to them. What is wrong with me? What makes me want to run away? (The reality is that I would get to the end of my subdivision and see my children's faces flash through my mind; then I would turn around and run home.)

I want to be in two places at the same time - home loving on my children and at The Cocoa Tree pouring my heart into the business. I feel the most like myself when I am at TCT. But home is taking all my energy and emotional resources. My children need me at home while they are young. I can't put my wants ahead of their needs. A tough choice to make right now, but one I won't regret.

I learned the meaning of sacrifice when I became a mother. I have been learning the practice of sacrifice ever since. Relentless when looking forward, but breathtaking when looking back. Someday I will have a chance to look back. For now, I will enjoy what is right in front of me.

Franklin Cinema With A Twist

I took the kids - all four - to the free movie at Franklin Cinema this morning. What a wonderful thing. Story, my 11 month old baby girl, actually watched part of the movie. She laughed at a scene in the cartoon where a fly lands on Daffy Duck's bill and walks up to Daffy's eyes which makes Daffy go cross-eyed, then Daffy blinks which causes the fly to fall to the ground. She laughed and laughed. It is amazing how something as simple as a giggling baby daughter can fill up all the empty places.

Jesse and I received an interesting email today from our financial partners. I can't talk about it until it has been finalized. I'll just say it is a dramatic twist. I wish I could see into the future to see how it is going to play out.

Stay tuned...

Hero

This morning I rescued a baby bird from our kiddie pool with a baseball mitt and a shovel - and a very angry mommy bird circling above my head. All four of my kids were cheering me on from behind the screen door. It was beautiful. It isn't every day that you get to save wildlife in front of an adoring, captive audience. I was a hero. It felt good.

The "Perfect Will" Carrot

I suffer from the disease of melancholy. One of the unfortunate side effects is over analyzation. Of course, I have to run this current turn of events through the over-analyis-melancholy-mill. I thought I would share the outcome.

If there is anything I excel at it is self doubt. I can know I am right and as soon as you tell me different I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and start crying tears of repentence.

It is interesting to me that as I over analyize this that I keep coming back to the "where did we go wrong" question. I guess it is natural to think that if something this wacked out happens, you must have missed a really big flashing neon sign somewhere along the way. So, in my thoughts, in my nightmares I am searching through the corridors trying to find that sign. Not that I can go back and change directions, but at least I can hang a bigger flashing neon sign next to it so that I can never let myself and anyone who comes after me forget the fact that I missed it. Maybe it feels a little bit like repentence.

Is it neccesary to put myself through the torture? I wonder. Of course Jesse and I made mistakes. I don't think we ever thought that we could start a booming business without making any mistakes - and what if that was the plan, to make no mistakes? Is that really how God wants us to live? If so, why grace? Why Jesus?

Did he make me human to torture me with a sick little game? Dangling a "perfect will" carrot in front of my face. I hope not! I hope He made me human knowing I would make mistakes and realize my absolute dependency on Him. He didn't create us to be perfect. My imperfection doesn't even surprise Him. I have to believe this is true. If not, the philosophy of The Cocoa Tree is just a clever marketing scheme.

God wants a relationship. He is the lover of our soul who gives us chocolates to delight us, even in our imperfection. He gives us chocolate even knowing that we may over indulge in it. He has a perfect plan that He is working in our lives and somehow the mistakes that we make are part of the beautiful story that He is telling.

I have to believe that Main Street is part of that story. I have to believe that He called us out of that building to fulfill His purpose. We can't know what the reason is right now, but we can choose to trust Him. I won't deny the faith that He has so lovingly built in me by questioning these current events. I will hope in the Lord and trust in His plan, and I will pray for the grace to continue to do so.

Conspicuous Consumption

I start to wonder why we keep putting ourselves through all of this and then we get things from our customers like this. It makes it all worth it...

The first image is a scrapbook page that was inspired by The Cocoa Tree. The next two are women enjoying our chocolate covered bananas at Main Street Festival. The look on their faces is priceless!!

Just Shoot Me, Please

Okay. I am sitting here this morning with the aftermath of last night lingering in my emotions (our garage is filled with all the mold infested items that we have to sort through and figure out how to clean) and I make a decision that I need to let my brain rest from the events of The Cocoa Tree and just focus on my family for the next several days. After all, all the drama is behind us, right?? - OH BUT WAIT. The phone rings and Always-An-Emergency-Juanita is on the other end of the phone informing me that the electricity had just been shut off at the new building.

You would think that with all we have lived through, I would be able to take something silly like "no electricity" pretty well...but that isn't what happened. I just about lost my mind. I had braced myself for Satan himself pulling me by the hair through poisonous slime in that other building. Anything could have happened and I would have been pretty OK, but last night after we closed and locked that door for the last time I felt like I had finally reached the finish line - you know - after the 26 mile marathon (RACH you totally rock my world!!) You know how you get to a point where you finally feel like you can exhale, not afraid to let yourself feel again and then like a freight train - BAM one more thing sneaks through under the crack. All of a sudden I couldn't take one more thing. The line had been crossed, that was it - NO MORE STRESS!!

Sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore...will someone please just put me out of my misery! Okay, well - I guess I would miss my kids too much, so don't do that. maybe just talk me out of the tree. . .The Cocoa Tree, that is. ;)

Sibling Rivalry

So, Bridge (3-year-old) picks up the toy gun. (yes, we are guilty of propagating core NRA beliefs through our children) Anyway, he pointed the gun at me and pulled the trigger. I warned him in a very stern tone that he should only point guns at bad guys, not good guys. A look of revelation passed over his face, he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and turned and pointed it at his 4-year-old brother!

Taylor Crush

Taylor Hicks at Walmart

Crazy about Taylor. Crazy, crazy!!!